@awesomecraftbeerboi: my fight against #lamestream Big Beer

Pic: Frankie Cordoba

Today I have an important announcement to make to all my #awesome craft beer fans.

From today, @awesomecraftbeerboi is undertaking a major new project that will surely rock the beer world to its foundations. I can safely say that nothing like this has ever happened before. Yes, that’s right – you are now reading the very first edition of @awesomecraftbeerboi’s regular new column, in a proper online publication that also covers wine and spirits.

It probably even has some proper writers working for it. (Don’t bet on it – Ed)

I would like to thank all my awesome regular readers (472 followers on insta! Beat that, @haziboiguru!) for your faith, hope and belief in me. I could not have got to this point without your support.

As you all know, it’s been a rocky journey at times. I am still considering legal action over the travesty of my being removed from the judging panel for the Global Beer Awards. And all because I demanded that the anonymised beers be named so I could make sure I didn’t taste anything brewed by a macro.

This was a clear violation of my human rights, and the least #awesome thing that has happened since that #Twitterspat with @haziboiguru over whether or not it’s still OK to drink Theo, Your Dinner’s Going Cold. If you recall, TYDGC is #Cloudibrew’s hazy session IPA brewed with Sunny Delight and Ready Brek, and I was snapped picking it up it in Londis. 

But all that’s in the past now, and some people should just get over it. As you all know, my self-imposed two-day exile from social media hurt a lot of people, and it should never have to happen again. Which is why I made the decision to end it after four hours. You were missing me too much.

The @awesomecraftbeerboi-shaped hole in your lives was an absence no amount of #awesomehazysoursessionbeer could fill.

So this new column marks a major new development in the @awesomecraftbeerboi franchise operation, and will provide a vital new service to drinkers and brewers of craft beer all around the world.

Over the coming months, years and decades (!) we will be covering every single kind of craft beer you can think of: hazy pale ale, cloudy pale ale, cloudy IPA, hazy cloudy session IPA, cloudy IPA with mango pulp, session hazy IPA with tangerine pulp, Imperial session double IPA with Kia Ora, Barrel-Aged New England session Um Bongo Triple DDH IPA, and lager.

Where else can you find such comprehensive coverage of the awesome craft beer world? Nowhere, that’s where. Apart from my Untappd page, I suppose. I have already unlocked the “I love the smell of facepalm in the morning” badge. Unlike some other so-called craft beer fans I could mention.

I have come a long way since that fateful day in 2017 when I first tasted Shades of Jonathan. I’m sure you all remember it: the first release in PastyBrew’s ‘Inarticulation Concept’ range of limited-edition beers. It’s brewed by separating out all the different colours of Skittles and chucking ten pounds of each colour into a different brew. Now that’s craft!

That was when I realised that there was so much more to life than #lamestream Big Beer and cider. Can you believe I used to drink Rekorderlig and Kopparberg before I saw the light?

Until next time, #awesome fans!

Update: since I began writing this column, #Cloudibrew has sold ‘an undisclosed stake’ to Heineken. I would just like to reassure my followers that I never did buy that can in Londis, even though it was only £1.49. And even if I had bought it, I probably wouldn’t have drunk it. And even if I had, I wouldn’t have liked it because it wasn’t fruity enough and it gave me indigestion.