From the Editor: ‘The world of Fake Booze looks a lot like your world…’

Pic: Marco Piunti

Greetings from the Editor’s chair, and welcome to Fake Booze.

Come in. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable. Drink?

As we mix you up a viciously strong G&T perhaps you could tell us why you’ve popped in.

Is it

  1. by mistake?
  2. to kill time in between episode drops of whatever substandard drivel you’re currently watching on Netflix?
  3. for a bet?
  4. Because you love booze and like to laugh?

Obviously, we’d rather your answer was ‘d’ rather than ‘a to c’, but frankly, we don’t care that much. The point is, you’re ours now.

We’ve locked the door behind you, the windows don’t open and that old lady next door is deaf as a post so no-one will hear you cry for help. Seriously, your best option is to relax, sit back and let us drag you into our warped universe. It’s fine once you’re in. Honest.

Because the world of Fake Booze looks a lot like your world. It has the same drinks, the same brands – even some of the same people. They just don’t act like you expect them to.

Or maybe they act more like you expect them to.

Or maybe they just act how you wish they had all along.

Frankly, we’ve no more idea than you. We just write this stuff, you can’t expect us to understand what any of it means.

To help the less observant among you, Fake Booze is a satirical website for the world of drink. We’ve got news, features, tastings, videos, gifs and memes, in varying shades of sarcasm, irony and whimsy, topped off with the odd pun.

We’ve not got 2000 word pieces about the prehistoric soils of Burgundy, star columnists or money.

Not free. Sorry.

You can, at least, help with the latter by becoming a supporter if you like what we’re doing. It costs the same as a crap latte in a coffee chain, and frankly if we can’t give you more pleasure than that then we might as well pack up and go home.

Three things to remember while you’re in our world: don’t take anything we say too seriously; we laugh at drinks because we love them, not because we don’t; and if you do support us, forget what it says in the ‘Keep Faking It’ box ­– of course you won’t get a pony.

Seriously, what do you think this is? The animal rescue centre?

I see you’ve finished your gin, so please feel free to have a look around. Bathroom’s at the end on the left; fire exit is over the wings and in your browser bar. In case of laughter-induced oxygen failure, social media links will drop from the ceiling.

So share what you like and keep your hands off the family silver. That way no-one gets hurt.

If you have nice things to say, email contact@fake-booze.com. For complaints, please contact your usual drinks publication.