April Fool’s Day is the worst time of year for a satirical rag. You spend your whole year making shit up – and suddenly everybody’s at it. Usually badly.
But in recognition of this tedious annual celebration of pointless mendacity, we’ve grudgingly got into the spirit of things.
Some of these stories below are true, and some are not. We’ve added bits to them, of course, because it’s what we do.
But can you spot the lies in amongst the truth? Or truth in amongst the lies? Whatever. Just read ’em ok?
Last week saw the launch of Groanheuser Bush’s new hard seltzer Cacti in association with an American rapper we’ve never heard of. The Agave Spiked Seltzer is unique in the way it features three whole buzz words in the title, meaning it is officially made up of 100% marketing.
Critics have showered the brand with praise, saying it ‘puts the Cack back into Cacti’.
The world’s first drink and music matching menu has opened in New York. Customers at oeno-audio pick either the music or the drink they want from the ‘bev and cans’ menu, and special teams of ‘audio sommeliers’ then go about creating a match.
‘It’s a highly specialised role,’ says Head of Auditory Matching, Shona Rimes. ‘It’s not easy finding staff who can pay attention to music, drink and customers at the same time.
‘Particularly since sommeliers don’t usually listen to anyone.’
A London-based company, Sacra-mental has launched the first products in what it says will be a range of ‘overtly-religious’ themed drinks. The Happy Yeaster label features three wines and an IPA which, Sacra-Mental’s founder, Min Dacity, says were ‘fermented with yeast harvested from the tomb of the resurrection’.
‘Our message is one of hope and regeneration,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘A celebration of the central Christian message that anything can come back from the dead.
‘Except perhaps sherry.’
Using up waste
A French company has created a business turning the left-overs from winemaking into training shoes. Made from pips and skins from a biodynamic vineyard in the south of France, the ‘Zeta’ brand is vega, zero waste and comes packaged in a wooden wine box, labelled ‘baskets viticole grand cru’.
‘This is a great use of products that would otherwise be thrown away,’ said French critic Michel Bettanomyces. ‘Such as wine from the south of France.’
So. Did you spot the made-up stories? Without cheating and using Google? We hope so, because we’re not going to tell you…
But feel free to stick your thoughts on Twatter and give us a shout-out on @fakebooze. If Twatter’s too scary for you, we do insta, too: @fake.booze