Are you a whisky twat? Take our quiz to find out

whisky
Graphic: Rob 'Glenmo' Johnson

The hardest thing about being a whisky twat is admitting that you have a problem in the first place.

So ask yourself this

Do you come over all unnecessary at the thought of a warehouse session with Dr Bill Lumsden?

Do you think blended scotch is Satan’s urine?

Would you say the best use of any spirit produced by Diageo is to creosote your garden furniture and light your barbecue?

If the answer to one or more of these questions is ‘yes’, then it’s entirely possible that you’re turning into a Whisky Twat.

But don’t worry – help is at hand.

Fake Booze has painstakingly compiled a highly technical psychometric test, with the aid of 50 researchers with PhDs in Whisky Psychology from the University of Glenfarclas.

Just answer the five simple questions, and we will be able to calculate the precise degree of your Whisky Twattery – and prescribe a recommended course of treatment.

Step this way now. It’s going to be all right…

So ask yourself this (again)

Q1: It’s your birthday, and your aunt has bought you a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black Label. How do you react?

  1. Thank her profusely. Just because you love single malt doesn’t mean you can’t appreciate a great blend too.
  2. Stick it in the kitchen. You can always use it to cook with.
  3. Wrap it up and send it back to her as ‘an early Christmas present’.
  4. Smash it, set fire to it, then grind the remains into dust with a steam roller in an elaborate ritual devised by the Malt Maniacs.

Q2: You’re handed an unknown whisky to taste. After lavishing it with praise, you discover it’s the latest own-label NAS release from Aldi, Glen Pishie. What do you do?

  1. Have a good laugh at yourself. Blind tasting’s a mug’s game, after all.
  2. Mutter something about a ‘dirty glass’ and stomp off in a huff.
  3. Swear loudly about the ‘fucking Germans’ and accuse them of adulterating their whisky with Nutella.
  4. Grab the nearest salt cellar, empty it down your throat and rush to the toilets to throw up.

Q3: You’re in a posh bar with a mate when you notice he’s just put two cubes of ice in his glass of 95-year-old Glen Swanky. What should you do?

  1. Shrug and concentrate on your drink. Hey, it’s a free country.
  2. Shout “Nooooooooo!!!!!!” and fish the ice out of his glass within five hundredths of a second.
  3. Burst into tears.
  4. Wait your moment. When he pops to the loo, follow him in and strangle him with your Whisky Live Paris lanyard. The court will understand.

Q4: You bump into legendary moustachioed master blender Pater Richardson at a whisky fair. What do you say to him?

  1. “Pater! Would you mind signing this tasting book for me? Such a fan…”
  2. “Pater! I wonder if you’ve got time for a quick discussion on the peating levels of pre-war Ardphroaig? Shouldn’t take more than a couple of hours…”
  3. “Pater! Can I film you throwing whisky around while shouting about the rest of the people here being ‘pussies’? I’ll try not to embarrass the inside of my trousers this time…”
  4. “Pater! You fucking disgrace! Nobody’s made any decent single malt since before 1950, you wanker!”

Q5: You’re at the regular monthly tasting of the Single-malt Aficionados & Drinkers Organisation (SADO), when you notice an attractive young woman. Do you…

  1. Introduce yourself and engage her in a fascinating discussion about the single cask Fettercairn you’ve just tasted?
  2. Sidle nervously away. You find women terrifying enough at the best of times, but at a whisky tasting…?
  3. Ask her for a clean glass, and wonder what she’s done with her tray?
  4. Call security?

So, how did you do?

Let’s assess your responses…

  • Mostly A): Barely discernible hints of Twattishness, only detectable by dogs and bearded master distillers. Take two doses of Ballantine’s 17YO twice a day. You’re perfectly normal. Well, almost.
  • Mostly B): If Twattishness were related to peating levels, you’d be Bowmore (and get the reference). Other than your geekiness, you have no obvious employable skills. Ever thought of becoming a brand ambassador?
  • Mostly C): Clinically speaking, your levels of Twattishness are pretty much terminal. Are you privately wealthy and happy to spend your life sitting in your pants and eating Pot Noodles? Then become a blogger.
  • Mostly D): You are best friends with Jim Murray. Please leave.

If you’re a whisky twat, click here to read about the world’s first beard-aged whisky. You’ll love it. And here to read about the advance of the Malt-Right.