The drinks world is reeling following the revelation that being a Master of Wine won’t make you irresistibly attractive.
No amour in glamour
The shock admission was made by the organisation’s head, Anthony Drivelspouter MW, who warned students at a workshop in New York that even an in-depth understanding of Chardonnay clones ‘wasn’t necessarily guaranteed’ to have potential partners queuing round the block.
‘Of course there’s obvious cachet in writing a 20,000 word thesis on the chemistry of fermentation or tasting a line-up of two dozen Pinot Grigios,’ he said.
‘But most of the course is nowhere near as glamorous as that – in fact some of it is pretty humdrum.’
Existential angst
One disappointed candidate said the admission was making him rethink his participation.
‘I only signed up for the MW because of the high-octane lifestyle,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘The drugs, the groupies, the endless Barolo.
‘But now I know it won’t help me to get a bunk-up I’m wondering what the point of it is at all.’
Second bottom
Recent research placed MWs below train-spotters, quiz geeks and accountants when it came to sex appeal. Only drinks writers scored worse.
One recently qualified MW told Fake Booze that they regretted the £20,000 it cost them to study for the qualification.
‘To be honest, I could have spent that money on an outsize Rolex Cosmograph Daytona and I’d still have change for a shitty stick to beat them off with down the pub,’ he said.
‘Instead, I’ve got two letters I have to explain all the time, a five-figure debt and a reputation for being ‘a bit intense’.’
We have a problem
Evolutionary scientist Gene Ohm said that the lack of sex-appeal associated with being a Master of Wine was surprising, given that the rigorous study involved was often compared to becoming an astronaut.
‘Both groups are put through intense training to ensure they have the ‘right stuff’,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘So there has to be a reason why one profession is incredibly glamorous and the other isn’t.
‘Maybe it’s because, after years of study, one group are elite level athletes ready to explore the limits of human knowledge, whereas the other has stained teeth, indigestion and a pedantic understanding of Italian wine law.’
Alternatives
The brutal hours required in studying for the Master of Wine qualification have been blamed for the high level of breakdown in students’ marriages, but some dispute this connection.
‘I left him for a banker who works 90 hours a week, so I don’t see much of my new partner either,’ said one ‘MW Widow’. ‘But I’d rather listen to dinner chat about derivative swaps than endure another mini lecture about bloody destemming.’
Self-professed ‘Sexpert’ Dr Fanny Hunter, said that there were many better ways of spending £20,000 to attract the opposite sex than learning about soil types.
These included ‘a bum-lift’, ‘a wardrobe of designer clothing’ and ‘burning £20,000 in cash while not doing the MW.’
Click here to read about the two MWs who were unable to tell Pinot Grigio from tap water, and here to learn about the new Master of Water qualification
