Tragically, Fake Booze’s drinks cracker jokes are back. Though in our defence, we would like to point out that this is not entirely our fault.
A worryingly large number of you seemed to enjoy this garbage last year. So if you’re an erudite, sophisticated ironist with an understandably low tolerance of wincing puns and enema-inducing wordplay, we can only apologise. But, you know, blame your fellow Fake Booze readers.
Tragically, for the overall quality of global drinks humour some of you have even responded to our desperate request to send in some gags of your own, which means that not only is it here again – it’s bigger and better than ever before.
By which, of course, we mean bigger and worse.
Seriously, there is no upside to this, other than the fact that we only do it once a year and it’s over relatively quickly.
So steel yourself, grab a glass of something strong, take a deep breath and start reading.
Did you hear about the new wine Viagra pill? It puts the hard on back into Chardonnay.
What do sick horses drink at Christmas? Gluhwein.
How does a winemaker select his festive decorations? He uses Christmas triage.
How can you tell the difference between a fat santa and an alcoholic one? One has double chins, the other has double gins.
Why is Lambrini called Ambrini at Christmas? Because the angel said Noel.
What buttons does a whisky distiller use to reset his computer? Control malt delete.
What do Chilean winemakers eat at Christmas? Mince Pais.
What’s the difference between a bottle of sake and a winking emoji? One’s a rice wine, the other’s a wry sign.
Why is oloroso the perfect Christmas Sherry? Because it’s flor-less.
Why did the elves rearrange Santa’s drinks’ cupboard. Because he likes his spirits neat.
Why does Rudolph love Loire Sauvignon Blanc? Because he’s a Touraine deer.
How do Hungarian winemakers keep moths away from their mink coats? They use Furmint.
What is Father Christmas’ favourite sweet wine? Coteaux du Sleighon.
Who brought Riesling, Muller Thurgau and Gruner Veltliner to the nativity? The three Weiss men.
What’s Frank Sinatra’s favourite grape variety? Crooner Veltliner.
Where in Bordeaux does santa keep his bag full of Christmas animals? In Pet-Sack Leognan.
How do brewers run their computers? With a hoperating system.
Why did the Wicked Witch of the West chase the drinkers of young port? She wanted the ruby sippers.
Which grape variety is guaranteed to give you a white Christmas? Cabernet Snow-vignon.
What hairstyle is most popular with French chateau owners? A cru cut.
What do Italian winemakers put in their cars in winter? Chianti-freeze
What do you call someone who can’t stop drinking German sparkling wine? A sekts addict.
What does santa do in his biodynamic vineyard? Ho goes hoe, hoe, hoe.
How did Darth Vader know which drinks Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What’s a liqueur producer’s favourite carol? Oh Kummel Ye Faithful
Where do Chilean winemakers keep their gloves? On their Andes.
Why can’t Santa afford to buy drinks for Dasher and Dancer? Because they’re two deer.
What’s Father Christmas’ favourite grape variety? Zinfandelf.
What do you call a distiller with a bottle of Laphroaig on his head? Pete.
What do you call a distiller with a malting shovel on his head? Doug
What do you call a distiller without a malting shovel on his head? Douglas
If you enjoyed this, firstly, you would probably benefit from some form of therapy. But secondly you might also like to read last year’s Cracker Jokes by clicking here. May God have mercy on your soul.