In the past we as an industry may have given the impression that putting wine in cans could be seen as a good thing.
Headlines such as ‘Can do!’, ‘Yes we can!’, ‘Doing the can-can – wine’s new high-kicking format’ and ‘Tin-spirational – why cool cans are the future of wine packaging’ might have suggested that in some way we thought cans were cool, inspirational and the future of wine packaging.
In fact, with the growing menace of potential mass-market acceptance, we feel we have no alternative but to distance ourselves from a format that is not only perniciously inert and reliable, but also dangerously practical and modern.
We would like to put on record that while we feel cans might be acceptable for lowly craft beers or niched drinks such as pre-mixed gin and tonic, they are wholly unsuitable for prestigious products such as cava, Sauvignon Blanc, Two Buck Upchuck and Beaujolais Nouveau.
Not to mention all rosé, apart from Kylie’s.
As well as providing no opportunities for cork-taint or breakages, which are a much-loved part of the theatre of wine drinking for most people, they also come in sizes which could at best be described as ‘convenient’ and at worst as ‘inclusive’.
Our research has made it increasingly clear to us that, by the very nature of their packaging, every wine in a can is poor to indifferent. By contrast, no bad wine has ever been put into a glass bottle.
We hope that our latest industry podcast ‘Why cans are as big an existential threat to wine as Ponce Andrew is to the Royal Family’ will clarify our position.
We would like to apologise for any confusion caused by our earlier comments and return to bemoaning the fact that young people aren’t drinking wine, that the category is losing market share to spirits and beer, and that something really should be done about it.
Can-‘t think of any more puns
We believe this action will help revive the industry’s famously profitable can-do spirit.
By selling spirits in cans.
Cans, meanwhile, should stick to what they do best.
Which is being written about in endless magazine articles saying that they could be the future for everyone except people like us.
For more Fake Booze apologies, see our mea culpas to Ace of Spades, vodka and, er, women.