How to write the perfect nauseating celebrity drinks story every time

Pic: Rob 'Kylie' Johnson

Given that celebrity drinks are launching at the rate of one every three days, Fake Booze has teamed up with the Society of Drinks Industry Trade Magazines and Newspapers (SODITMAN) to release the following helpful style guide for publications.

So the next time you have to cover an ABCD story (Another Bloody Celebrity Drink) about Gordon Ramsay or Kylie, Ryan Reynolds or Brad, you’ll know what to do.

You’re welcome…

DO

Remember that although this person is best known for kicking a football/wearing age-inappropriate hotpants/acting in terrible movies, all of these things have just been to prepare them for their one true love: making drinks. About which they are deeply passionate.

Always accompany a piece about rosé with an image of the star, if female, in a floating, diaphanous pink negligée, bikini or similar. If male, ditto.

Always talk reverently about the wine’s terroir as though it’s a grand cru Burgundy, not a bottle of prosecco or a bang average rosé.

Sycophantically repeat every element of the press release and ensure that ALL of these terms are used, whether appropriate or not: curated, joy, testimony, minerality, silky, passion, passionate, highly passionate, incredibly passionate, orgasmic, emotional (in the latter case, offer help and counselling).

DON’T

On no account ask any awkward questions such as ‘what is wine made from’, ‘what botanicals do you use in your gin’ or ‘who actually makes this stuff?’

Refrain from making cheap gags such as ‘this wine is more wooden than your last acting performance’, ‘the finish on this is as flat as your singing’ or ‘this tequila has spent longer in barrel than you did in any of your marriages.’

Don’t draw attention to the inflated price of the product compared to non-celebrity versions.  After all, why should the instant transference of lifestyle icon status come cheap?

Don’t mention their ex, the reviews for their last film/album or suggest they should stick to the day job. If they still have one.

Don’t laugh, no matter how implausible they sound. Remember, unlike every other drinks owner, they are rich, so they might have an advertising budget.  

Don’t be fooled into thinking that they really like you. They’re just smiling because they don’t want you to tell everyone how crap their product is. You are not a celebrity and you never will be. You work for a drinks magazine…

Do say…

‘So great that you’ve found love at last Kylie’.

‘Of course you’re the best all-rounder English cricket has ever produced Lord Ian.’

 ‘I loved your vagina-scented candle Gwyneth. I gave one to my dad for Christmas.’

Don’t say

‘This Ace of Spades is OK Jay Z, but it’s not as good as Cristal.’

‘I know you’re Italian Mr DeVito, but seriously… Limoncello?’

‘Rosé Champagne, Brad? Isn’t that a girl’s drink?’.