With Covid rampant, inflation soaring and democracy under threat, now is absolutely the perfect time to fritter away a small fortune on an arbitrarily-created, proto-capitalist splurge-weekend. (Are you feeling all right? Ed)
Fortunately the guys at Coravin have your back this Black Friday, with 8½ – yes 8½ – amazing new models for you to spaff your cash on.
But which should you buy? Fake Booze sticks faintly terrifying giant needles into helpless bottles to find out.
Jura-vin – A highly specialised model designed to punch through thick wax seals and handle obscure French mountain wines that taste like a cross between Chartreuse and sherry. Not to be confused with the flor-a-vin (see later).
Torah-vin – Blessed by a rabbi this Coravin variant is designed solely for kosher wines. It costs twice as much as non-kosher models for no discernible reason. Fans swear by its elevated irony filters, though some on social media have said that the model could be part of a plot to take over the entire preservation universe and turn us into lizards.
Brora-vin – The first whisky-specialised model. At its most effective (as the name suggests) with immensely overpriced bottlings, it’s designed to keep the user’s ego as pure and undamaged as the day the whisky was bought, no matter how many people tell you you’re an idiot.
Sporra-vin – Officially known as the Brora-vin Lite, this scotch whisky preserver is small enough to put in a ceremonial hairy kilt pouch. Useful for emergency hooch preservation on the go or at interminable dinners where they pipe in a tray of steaming offal and sing to it. Just be careful when you sit down.
Fauna-vin – Specially created for critter labels. The Fauna-vin is guaranteed to prevent any accidental change in flavours, so you can be certain that your novelty animal-packaged wine will always taste as bad as the day you bought it.
Snore-a-vin – Ideal for anyone with concentration issues, this hi-tech model beeps loudly to remind you what you were doing before you wandered off leaving a sizable hypodermic stuck in your bottle of Barolo. It’s perfect for catatonics, amnesiacs and readers of drinks magazines, who regularly find themselves staring vacantly into space and musing ‘what am I doing here?’ and ‘perhaps tomorrow I should get a life’.
Flor-a-vin – Could this be the product to revive sherry? We think so! Keeps fino and manzanilla pristine for up to ten years. By which time you might even have finished the bottle. Warning: not to be used with PX, which has the texture – and flavour – of molasses.
Score-a-vin – Specifically designed for wines scoring over 98 points in Wine Spectator, this model has a specially wide nozzle to accommodate rich, glutinous wines with tonnes of oak. Its double-thickness body is designed to withstand up to three-times the usual amount of winemaking ego. Fans of Napa and Tuscany might need a further upgrade.
Douro-vin – Could this be the product to revive port? We think so! (That’s enough Coravin launches. Ed)
Click here to discover about the great controversy surrounding the existence – or not – of Argon taint.