The Australian government has said that tennis ace Novax Djokovic can re-enter the country provided he brings his secateurs and is prepared to work a few shifts in a vineyard.
Prime Minister Scrote Worrisome told Fake Booze that it was ‘an innovative solution to a difficult problem’ and was ‘typical of a go-ahead government that was always looking to the future – particularly if that future includes fossil fuels and dumping asylum seekers on a rock in the middle of the sea.’
‘I’m not going to lie, Covid has left us pretty stretched for pickers,’ said Worrisome, ‘so frankly we need all hands on deck to get the grapes in, whether those hands have been vaccinated or not.’
Winery bosses have said that the situation is getting critical.
‘If we don’t get people in soon, we won’t be able to pick the grapes,’ said Jacob Screek of Riverland Megawine Ltd.
The company’s usual strategy of making millions of litres of wine that nobody wanted, leaving it in a tank all year and tipping it away unsold was, he said, ‘under real threat’.
Djokovic has been contacted by the seasonal workforce agency Slavery.com but the chances of him coming seem low.
‘He seemed strangely reluctant,’ said company owner Minnie Mum-Wage. ‘It was almost like he had something against a country that told him to come in then left him stewing in a hotel room for a fortnight while everyone told him what a dick he was.’
The country does, however, have a plan B.
‘We’re going to ask celebs,’ said Ms Mum-Wage. ‘They’re always crapping on about how much they love wine and vineyards, so we figure they’ll love the chance to come and get their hands dirty for once.’
Fake Booze contacted Kylie Minogue, but was told by her agent that the petite popstrel would be unable to come because she would be spending the next six weeks trying to get into a pair of hot pants for her upcoming Zero Impact tour.
Brad Pitt, however, said he’d be happy to help out. ‘Partly because I feel a strong connection with the eternal cycles of nature and want to help my fellow man.
‘But mainly because if I look good it will piss Angelina off.’
Click here to read about Gordon Ramsay’s ‘F****** Great’ wine range.