New drinks for dogs range: barking or pawfect?

Pic: Alex Brown, flickr

Drinks lovers have been split over the world’s first drinks range for dogs with fans saying it’s ‘absolutely pawfect’ and critics slamming it as ‘barking mad’.

There’s a precedent

The Top Dog drinks range is the brainchild of mutt-loving businessman Jack Russell who says the idea came to him after he and his partner had a martini each, two bottles of wine and some craft bourbon while their dog ‘had nothing but a bowl of water.’

‘I realised there and then that there was a gap that needed filling,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘And it’s a lot less pointless than making top-end cava.’

Russell counters cynics who have questioned why anyone would spend good money on something that’s barely drinkable, by saying that ‘it’s a concept that’s worked pretty well for the Champenois down the years.’

Pun warning

The range caters for all the key dog-related occasions.  There are comfort drinks Pawsecco and Yaperol Spritz ‘for when they are hangingn with the pack’.

Pays d’Og and Cotes de Bone Wines are ‘chosen specifically for their ability to match dog-bowl classics such as roadkill, semi-rotted seagull and C-grade rendered offal.’

XO Dognac and Single Moult whiskies – aged in a St Bernard’s barrel – are designed to be sipped and savoured at the end of the night. Possibly while languorously licking ones genitals.

Anyone concerned about the influence of alcohol on their four-legged friend is directed towards a zero-abv ‘kom-pooch-a’.

There’s a precedent mkII

Critics have derided the dogs range for being aimed at ‘rich idiots who are looking for reasons to spend money’, but analysts have been more positive.

‘It might seem counterintuitive to spend money on a species that wolfs back its drink without appearing to pay any attention to what’s in its mouth,’ said analyst Polly Prolix from Boozalysis.

‘But the size of the German drinks market suggests these guys are really onto something.’

Putting the ‘ass’ into classic

Flavours include Rancid Bone, Merde de Renard and Unidentified Carcass and the team at Top Dog say they worked incredibly hard to get their character just right.

‘The first two were easy,’ says Russell. ‘Half of the submissions from your average Mediterranean co-op hit the brief spot on, while we found some great natural wine producers who made perfect products for the latter.’

The most popular drink in the range, Rear End, proved more of a challenge, with many options being tried and discarded before the team finally settled on an innovative combination of baiju and Sauvignon Blanc.

Pas devant le chat

If the dogs range goes well, Russell is already looking at line extensions.

Drinks for cats has been discounted on the grounds that they are ‘smug teetotal arseholes’.

But Russell told Fake Booze that he is considering a range specifically aimed at journalists – a suggestion which has not gone down well with everybody.

‘It’s incredibly offensive that we should be thought of in the same way as those stupid slobbering creatures that just wolf back whatever’s in front of them, piss everywhere and spend half the day asleep,’ said an Alsatian yesterday.

Safe, but…

Canine appreciation groups have already posted hundreds of videos of their members sharing a cocktail, wine or spirit with their dogs – a practice which Russell says is safe, but doesn’t encourage.

‘They are not actively harmful to humans,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘But they’re probably not very nice to drink.

‘So in that respect they’re a lot like tequila or Carmenere.’

If you’re interested in undrinkable new launches, click here to read about the Black Tower range that’s ‘proven to remove 99.9% of guests’.

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