Studying for drinks qualifications is a colossal waste of time and money, according to a controversial new study.
Get it free
The report ‘Knowledge is Power – But Better When It’s Free’ has been put together by Professor Al Gorithm from the University of the Metaverse.
‘There are thousands of people all over the world spending fortunes on learning so-called ‘facts’ about drink, when actually they could just pick it up for free from the internet,’ he told Fake Booze.
The fact that the drinks world placed a greater value on information that was carefully researched and verifiably accurate rather than listicles knocked out by clueless jobbing hacks was, he said, ‘completely pointless in an era where Donald Trump can make it to the White House’.
‘There’s just no need to slog through a boring, analogue WSET course when you can get everything at the click of a button online,’ said Professor Gorithm.
Reading established classics such as ‘Bluff Your Way in Wine’, ‘Ten Sizzling Summer Cocktails’ and ‘The World’s Most Revealing Tasting Notes’ was, he said, a ‘great way of getting a solid grounding in essential drinks knowledge in less than ten minutes.’
Consumer groups have described the drinks world’s obsession with paid-for qualifications as ‘disturbing but not surprising’.
‘The drinks industry has previous in this area,’ said Imogen Fairplay of consumer watchdog magazine Wot?.
‘We’ve seen them try to rip people off before by charging more for things just because they’re better. I’m afraid this is more of the same.’
Health bodies agreed, adding that it was also quite possible that drinks courses gave you cancer.
Rote Lerning of the global knowledge provider, the Wine and Spirit Evisceration Trust, defended the organisation by pointing out that it had trained people all over the world for over 40 years.
‘Precisely,’ said Professor Gorithm. ‘And just look at the state of it. While the trade are obsessing about reviving heirloom grape varieties and artisanal mezcal the public want to drink Pinot Grigio and Jack and Coke.’
Replacing rigorous qualifications with clickbait, 30 second influencer videos and ill-considered opinion would, he said, allow everyone to get on the same page.
‘Just because something is inaccurate doesn’t make it wrong,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘And what’s the point in teaching people to taste blind? Why don’t you just look at the label?’
Ignorance is bliss
Fake Booze ran into John Public outside his local Pricefixer supermarket and he wholeheartedly endorsed the report’s findings.
‘I’ve picked up everything I need to know about drink from the internet,’ he said as he loaded a six-pack of Gary Barlow’s Vino Vomito into his 4×4.
‘I buy celebrity wines because they’re cool, prosecco for the wife and flavoured gin because it looks nice.
‘Mind you, not everyone’s as well informed as I am. Some people buy any old rubbish.’