Drinks world celebrates Jolie’s Nouveau Beau Day

Graphic: Rob 'Jolie's Beau' Johnson

Today, as every wine lover knows, is Jolie’s Nouveau Beau day – one of the most exciting days in the drinks calendar.

All the world’s drinks lovers will be eagerly waiting to see whether the Hollywood siren has chosen a new partner for the next 12 months. And, of course, whether the couple will consummate their union by giving birth to an immensely overpriced bottle of rosé.

In the 1980s people celebrated Jolie’s Nouveau Beau Day by driving to France and wearing red braces. Now they hide in a corner and wear an expression of resignation. It’s all part of the fun!

Of course, not everyone’s a fan of this style of PR. Some find it a bit immediate, a bit vulgar. A bit, well… obvious.

So if you’re not keen on the JoBo Novo circus here are a few other days for you to look forward to.

Diaz de los Muertos

Rather like Jolie’s Nouveau Beau day, this is another celebrity-inspired festival, but darker, commemorating as it does the death of any form of credibility in wine marketing at the hands of Cameron Diaz. Adherents wear bright white surgical gowns and a beatific expression to symbolise a yearning for ‘cleanliness’. Make sure you buy a big bag of empty buzz words to scatter around like confetti.

Napa Valley Whine Auction

Originally  held once a decade, this now annual festival involves some of the world’s wealthiest people gathering together to complain about politics, house prices, the global economy and why their wine investments are – quite literally – going up in smoke. Whoever manages the most sustained bit of bellyaching wins a fawning two-page profile in the Wine Spectator. The unused whinges are used to douse conflagrations started by right-wing shock-jocks.

Hospices de Blown

A highpoint in the drinks calendar as a glittering array of slebs line up to sell off their credibility. One-time A-listers are wheeled out in front of the press to explain why their pet vodka/rum/tequila/wine/whisky should be taken seriously, why their TV/film/music career isn’t dead on its feet, and why they’re not just doing this to fill a gaping void at the heart of their lives. All proceeds go to the drug habit of their choosing.

Port Deceleration Day

Port shippers come together for a traditional ‘tutting’ and ‘harrumphing’ ceremony in recognition of just how much their sales have fallen compared to the previous year. Always taking place just after St George’s Day in April, decelerations are happening more often than they used to, thanks to improvements in viticulture and growing levels of disinterest from the market.

Got any ideas for big events in the drinks world? Email them to [email protected] and we’ll print our favourites. If we can be arsed.