Over the last month we may have given the impression that Dry January was a gimmicky waste of time and not something that anyone in their right mind would ever take seriously.
Headlines such as ‘Only losers turn their backs on boozers’, and ‘My round – but not if you’re having a plant-based mocktail’ may have given the impression that we felt the whole thing was the preserve of virtue-signalling narcissists who lacked the willpower to effect meaningful change in their lives.
Editorials containing statements such as ‘I couldn’t care less if you’ve stopped drinking, just stop telling me about it’ and ‘why giving up alcohol for one month in a monastic show of asceticism won’t make you a better person, just a self-righteous prig’ may have accidentally enforced this impression.
Searing indictment
However, following the shock revelation that sales of low and no-alcohol drinks ‘soared’ in January from ‘fuck all’ to ‘not much’ and those of alcohol tumbled from ‘absolutely loads’ to ‘slightly less’, we now realise that there is no validity to the above viewpoint.
We hope that today’s editorial – ‘Why Dry January isn’t a shallow media-driven stunt and we’re totally buying into it next year once we’ve bought shares in a low/no startup’ makes our exact viewpoint crystal clear.
We would like to apologise to all our readers for any confusion caused by our earlier coverage and would like to assure them that we will remain fully behind the concept of Dry January from today until 31 December 2022.
Meanwhile, if you’re as shocked as we were by the news that the world drank less alcohol last month, we would like to point you to our other searing exposés: ‘Bears Admit to Doing Business in the Woods’, and ‘Secret Catholic Cabal Discovered in Vatican’.
Click here for our apology to Ace of Spades, which we now realise isn’t crap even though it is.
