Fever Tree launches world’s first prestige cuvée tonic

gin and tonic
Pic: Ernest Roy, Pixabay

Posh pop producer Fever Tree has announced that it is to launch a new top-end line extension to its range of tonic waters.

Premium pricing

Marketer’s Reserve will hit shelves next week, priced at a ‘slight premium’ of four times the price of a standard bottle.

‘If two thirds of your G&T is tonic, then it makes sense that it should also make up the lion’s share of the cost,’ company spokesman, Fi Vertree told Fake Booze.

‘Particularly if you ignore things like production costs and excise duty.’

Lambo – first blood

According to Fever Tree it’s new launch ‘brings a new element of pointless luxury to the tonic experience’.

‘It’s very much the Lamborghini of mixers,’ said Ms Vertree, ‘whereas our standard tonic is more like a BMW three-series.’

Schweppes, she said, was ‘probably some kind of rickshaw’.

Lovingly crafted

The company is staying tight-lipped about the exact recipe for its new creation, saying only that it’s ‘made with incredibly premium, prestigious ingredients that have been lovingly crafted in such a way as to allow us to charge four times as much for it.’

The Marketer’s Reserve comes in a 1kg flask-type bottle, which, the company says, ‘sends all the right quality cues while still being totally sustainable provided you ignore all the evidence.’

Huge hit

Soft drinks expert Noah Aybevee said that he could see the Marketer’s Reserve being a big success.

‘People love wasting money on overpriced products to show how successful they are,’ Aybeevee told Fake Booze. ‘And this very much taps into that mentality.

‘As, in fact, does the standard Fever Tree range.’

Aybeevee said the key demographic would be ‘anyone tempted to buy a triptych of Brora, single field vodka or anything from Burgundy.’

Gold & Tonic

Some at the sharp end, however, have raised concerns that the Marketer’s Reserve is contributing to a ‘cost of mixing crisis’, with generally uninteresting soft drinks becoming increasingly unaffordable.

‘Forget oil and gas, prices of tonic are doubling about every two weeks,’ said one concerned bartender. ‘At this rate, Fever Tree will be more expensive than gold by 2023.’

Ms Vertree said that the company ‘categorically rejected that assertion, but very much hope it comes true.’

Click here to read about Alldie Supermarket’s ‘even better than crucifixion’ hot cross bun gin, and here to learn how to make your own craft gin in just ten seconds.

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