Forget heavy bottles, we need lighter critics!

pig and glass
Pig pic: Pxhere

Wine producers have said that the continued use of overweight wine writers is having a terrible impact on the planet and needs to stop.

No more lard

According to Ian Vitro of Keeping Arrogance and Portliness Out of Wine (KAPOW), the industry can ‘no longer afford to put lardy journalists on long-haul flights just so they can write desperately dull articles about how heavy our bottles are.’

‘Let’s face it,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Most critics are not exactly carbonara neutral, and transporting 30 years of free lunches round the globe isn’t doing the planet any good at all.’

The post-Covid resumption of press trips, he said, had ‘brought a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘shipping in bulk’.’


But it isn’t only the size of the critics themselves that’s caught the attention of environmental groups; it’s their content as well.

‘It’s just such heavy going,’ said Mal Becbottle of the group Producers on the Warpath Against Seriously Heavy Editorial Ranting (POTWASHER).  ‘There’s no way that people should be allowed to churn out stuff so impenetrably dense and weighty in this day and age.’

The portentous self-regard in the World of Fine Wine alone was, he said, ‘about as damaging as the emissions from a dozen Chinese coal-fired power stations.’

Mendozan magic

Argentinian producers told Fake Booze that they were all for a ban on the shipments of overweight journalists and the introduction of stricter guidelines on their levels of egotism.

Cutting the drinks industry’s carbon footprint in this way would, they said, ‘allow us to continue putting our products in the big, thick bottles that the public know and love’.

‘Wine obviously tastes better in a heavy bottle,’ said Tubby Waite of the Mendozan winery Hacienda Pesamucho. ‘That’s just science.’

A gift of a heavy bottle, he said, ‘shows how much care and respect you have for the recipient – and how much of a toss you couldn’t give for the planet they live on.’

Kvevri cloud

The Georgian wine industry has got behind the ‘heavy bottles, lightweight critics’ scheme, announcing plans to approve what they say is the world’s heaviest bottle – a one-litre concrete kvevri weighing 12 kg.

‘Concrete is the new glass,’ said Rudolf Steiner-Mason. ‘It’s regenerative, sustainable and 100% effective against lightstrike.

‘Plus it’ll stop sommeliers trying to pour your wine for you at the table.’

Jet set

Fine wine merchant Barely Bothers and Crudd has said that it will be flying in 50 cases of the concrete bottles on a private jet for a special ‘kvevri nouveau’ day.

When questioned about the environmental damage of such an activity, Barely Bothers’ MD, Eton Anne-Oxford, said that removing the capsules on their own-label bottles would ‘go some way to making up for any negative impact.

‘At least in terms of virtue-signalling PR, which is the most important thing.’

Click here to read about how Decanter World Wine Awards judges are destroying the planet; and here to read about Bulldog’s plans to be fully Bullshit Neutral by 2025

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