Time to kick your raging alcoholism. Here’s how

Graphic: Rob 'Gymuary' Johnson

An important message from the Balls 2 Booze group

If you like to drink – at all – then you have a drink problem.

If you work in the drinks world then you’re part of the problem.

And we at Balls 2 Booze are going to solve this problem once and for all.

Face it, you’re an alcoholic

Just ask yourself this question: have you had a drink in the last six weeks? Or even looked at or touched one?

If you answered ‘yes’ then your health is at risk.

Science has proved that drinking even tiny amounts of alcohol will inevitably lead to misery, destitution and death. Fact.

Making self-righteousnessness fun!

But don’t worry. Because we at Balls to Booze (B2B) are here to help.

Balls to Booze is a non-profit making* government-sanctioned** body aimed at helping you kick your out of control alcoholism and get you back on your feet.

Just sign up to our New You course (It’s almost free at just £49.99 a month) and follow the medically-approved*** 12-step programme below. It couldn’t be easier!

And you’ll be part of a growing community of sanctimonious bastards who’ve chosen gloating over fun.

So what are you waiting for? Sign up today!

*that’s what we tell the taxman

**by Saudi Arabia

***our friend Tom likes it and he’s a vet

The B2B 12-Step Programme

Gymuary – Go to the gym, sweat a lot, drink bottled water. Repeat. Feel better? No? Course you don’t. You can’t drink. Never mind. It’ll soon be…

Feckuary – Just say ‘feck off’ when anyone offers you an alcoholic drink. Catchy, easy to remember and it proves you’re serious. Plus you’re probably in a bad mood after Gymuary, so why not share the misery?

Merch – Instead of wasting money on alcohol, just put the money you would have spent in a jar and stock up on virtue-signalling tat. T-shirts, tea-towels and mugs saying ‘alcohol free zone’ and ‘My right to say no’.

Naypril – As you become more resigned to your state of tedious abstinence you should be able to move from aggression to wry self-deprecation. So when anyone offers you a drink, this month you should refuse in the style of a comedy yokel from the 19th century. Hilarious. Who says being tee-total isn’t fun?

May-bv – Feel free to cut loose a bit this month and drink. But only products at under 1% abv. There’s loads of great ones to choose from. Apparently. And if they’re a load of tut, you’ll just be even happier to get back to no alcohol at all! It’s a win-win!

Junestgram – This month we want you to concentrate on putting pictures of your thousands of brightly coloured and over-garnished non-alc drinks all over social media. Even more than you usually do. No-one ever got bored of a smug cocktail shot. Fact.

Few-ly  – Summer’s here so in the holiday spirit, we think you can be trusted to drink a bit this month. We’re not killjoys at B2B after all! Just make sure to limit yourself to no more than three drinks of devil’s dick-water in the 31-day period.

Boregust – after the bacchanalian craziness of Few-ly, it probably makes sense to re-set a bit here. So water only we’re afraid. Ideally an expensive foreign one with an unnecessarily large carbon footprint. Full list of approved suppliers on our website.

Siptember – We’re allowing you to drink again this month – but only tiny measures from our special LoNo dropper (£49.99 from our online store). The Sipette © dispenses alcohol in medically-approved fun-reducing 5ml measures.

Woketober – Being healthy isn’t just about the alcohol. It’s about respect. So this month you should limit yourself to drinks with unimpeachable records on the environment, race and gender politics. OK. We admit it. This is just another way of us saying ‘don’t drink anything’.

Slowvember – You’ve heard of slow food, right? Well, this month it’s all about slow booze. You can have one drink on any occasion – but no more. It has to last you the entire evening. And don’t even think of cheating by thinking that a litre of whisky counts as ‘one drink’. We have spies everywhere.  

Dissent-ber – The final month in our 12-step programme is perhaps the most important. The chance to put your learnings to work. If you hear someone asking for a drink, loudly question their motives. If someone offers one to you, tell them why they’re going straight to hell. Be a loud, proud Balls 2 Booze disciple! And remember, beatings are temporary – but self-righteousness is permanent.

Balls 2 Booze takes no responsibility for the efficacy of the 12 point programme or any physical or psychological harm incurred by those who follow it. So just hand over the cash and no-one gets hurt.