There was a wave of relief this week as Instagram influencers returned from their holidays to find none of their latest ‘discoveries’ are available at home.
Not in stock
‘I’ve been championing a range of obscure Greek, Balkan, and Eastern Europe grape varieties all summer,’ said influencer Ivor Nifone. ‘Which I stupidly announced I would be seeking out on my return.
‘Fortunately every wine merchant I speak to tells me they’re completely unsellable, which means I can get back to plugging heavily branded New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc in exchange for cash.’
Best served warm
Initially influencers had been delighted about the return to international travel.
‘Last year all I could do was post pictures of me glumping in a wet field pretending to enjoy an English Pinot Noir that tasted of weak Ribena,’ said veteran influencer @wine4dayz.
‘But this year at least I could take videos of me drinking wine in a bikini without getting hypothermia.’
Grt Wns
But the joy at foreign travel was tainted for many by the obligation to ‘fall uncritically in love’ with the local wines.
Instafluencer Penny-Per Like declared in July that ‘the new Chardonnay’ was a grape with no vowels grown mostly by Balkan war criminals.
‘Crp is so underrated,’ she told her followers in a rare, unsponsored Instagram post. ‘Although you should also look out for Sht, Bllcks, and Frt.
‘The last one’s an aromatic variety.’
No photos
‘The winemaker at Vin Genozsyd was so welcoming,’ Like told Fake Booze. ‘And incredibly modest. He absolutely refused to have his photo taken, saying something about not wanting to go to The Hague.
‘I don’t really know what he meant. But in fairness we’ve probably all had a long-weekend in Holland we’d rather forget.’
Diversity champion
Ms Like insisted she would continue to champion the vowel-free varieties on her return.
‘It’s disgraceful that wine shops refuse to stock wines just because nobody has heard of them and will never buy them.
‘So I’m going to use my position to point out how commercially short-sighted this is.
‘In between posts about wealthy Champagne houses and wine regions with large promotional budgets.’
Pressed by Fake Booze to name her favourite ‘up-and-coming’ wine region Perlike said it was a tough choice but she’d ‘probably go with Elveeyemaitch’.
Click here to read about the 100 ‘least uninfluential people’ in the wine world.
