‘It tastes of loneliness’ – Franz Kafka on Yellowtail Chardonnay

Tasting notes are boring as fuck aren’t they? Blah blah creamy oak, blah blah fruit salad on a yo-yo.

Here at Fake Booze we think you deserve better. So whenever we can be arsed we’re going to get two titanic figures from outside the drinks world to give us their take on a few bottles.

This week Franz Kafka and Albert Einstein run the rule over some of the Yellowtail Range.

Yellowtail Sauvignon Blanc

‘Pale. If you put ice in here, since heat travels from warmer to colder areas it would make the liquid cooler and, possibly, more pleasant to drink.’ AE, Score: 3 neutrons

‘Much as I wanted to pick up this glass and taste it, I was unable. My hands were frozen, a great inertia came over me and I could not shake off the feeling of my own worthlessness.’ FK. Score: n/a

‘Mother’s Teeth’ AE

Yellowtail Chardonnay

‘Deeper yellow. In looks it reminds me of my mother’s teeth. There is structure here, but it seems to be non-mathematical. All too fluid. Disappointing.’ EA, Score: 4 dimensions

‘The glass and the wine are together, yet apart. Neither speaks to the other. Is either even aware that the other exists? I cannot believe this is the case. It is a wine that speaks of loneliness.’ FK, Score: 3 tears

‘Meaningless death’ FK

Yellowtail Rose

‘A simple wine but quite fun. In this it reminds me of Euclidian theory. Sure enough, the fruit intersects the sweetness in a way that is infinitely predictable. One for the masses.’ AE Score: 45 degrees.

‘Oh god, oh god, oh god. There is joy here, but also terror. Even as the happy flavours jump around, there is a looming shadow behind them? Is it death? It must be. An inevitable, meaningless death.’ FK, Score: 9 lives

Yellowtail Shiraz

‘One thing I know about is the quantum theory of solids. And this is SOLID. No amount of theoretical physics could get me through a bottle of this. It is denser than plutonium and merits its own atomic number.’ AE Score: 2.4m year half life

‘When I first tasted this I felt good. Life was happy again after the trauma of my rosé fears. But LOOK AT THE KANGAROO. He is staring. He is snarling. He is coming close. He is BECOMING ME! I no longer exist. I am marsupial.’ FK, Score: 1 pouch

Worth a theory of its own…

Yellowtail Jammy Red Roo

‘Ah. Now this I like. The use of Bordeaux grapes here leads me to posit the theory that Ecstasy=Merlot/Cabernet squared. It is not, perhaps, as complex as the Shiraz, but these things – as we all know – are relative.’ AE, Score: 1 Nobel prize

‘I have found myself transformed into a monstrous creature. I am unable to pick up the glass to taste it. People look at me in disgust. Even my father shies away. I have let him down. I have let you all down. I am vermin. Good with burgers.’ FK, Score: 2 patties