The drinks world has come together to tackle what experts say is the biggest challenge facing the industry.
‘You might think that climate change, the supply-chain squeeze, soaraway inflation, impending apocalypse and post pandemic misery are the most pressing matters we face,’ said Emo Gee from the Global Organisation of Beverage Alcohol (GOOBA).
‘But these pale into insignificance besides the fact that I can’t get a picture of a glass of white wine on my phone.’
Sommelier Corey Vin said the emoji issue had created huge problems for him.
‘Some friends invited me to theirs for roast turbot and I WhatsApp’d them to say I would bring the wine,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘When they saw the red glass emoji they got quite aggressive and asked me whether I knew what the hell I was doing.
‘I tried to make light of it by saying that some light reds can go quite well with fish actually.
‘But then they blocked me.’
The Court of Master Sommeliers has said that it is a ‘travesty’ that there are emojis for things like squid and fish, but no emoji to match with them.
‘It makes our members look like idiots,’ said Boob Stroker of the Court of Master Sommeliers, US. ‘And believe me, most of them don’t need any extra help in that regard.’
The lack of non-red wine emojis was, he said, ‘inappropriate and discriminatory.
‘And we all know how intolerant our organisation is of both those things.’
Bartender Hawthorn Strainer said the lack of variety in cocktails had created problems for her too.
‘There’s basically a martini or a glass of whisky,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘But my lucrative pouring contract with a well known tequila brand, is coming under threat because I can’t represent it on Instagram.’
A Margarita emoji, which allowed her to pocket lots of cash simply by using sub-standard ingredients was, she said, a ‘fundamental human right’ and probably more important than the right to vote. Particularly for people under the age of 30.
Serious and genuine
GOOBA are pushing to increase the range of drinks-related emojis significantly, lobbying for rosé, white and orange wines, plus pink fizz, three different types of beer and a dozen ‘commonly used’ cocktails ‘just for starters’.
‘For too long the drinks world has been looked down on by more so-called ‘prestigious’ professions like law, banking and supplying Class-A drugs,’ said GOOBA’s Emo Gee.
‘But three dozen drinks emojis will prove that we’re a genuine career choice for serious people.’
However, programmer Java Script said that there were already plenty of emojis that could do the job if people just looked hard enough.
‘In the same way that everyone uses a peach for arse-cheeks, they can use a city block for Manhattan,’ she said.
Wine-wise, MS Script suggested that stressed texters could use ‘a queasy face for Sauvignon Blanc, yawning for Pinot Grigio and a toxic skull and cross-bones for low intervention hipster wine.
‘Or, you know, get a proper job.’