A new ‘Marxist Hedonist’ pressure group is claiming that the world’s most expensive luxury drinks should be made available to all ‘proper drinks lovers’, irrespective of their financial situation.
Basic human right
Top Wine Is Theft (TWIT) says that drinking rare and expensive wines and spirits is ‘a fundamental human right like access to water, education and Twitter’ and that denying it is ‘probably illegal’.
‘It shames us all that in a world advanced enough to give us TikTok, some wine lovers can still go their whole life without ever drinking top Burgundy,’ said TWIT’s Noah Cost.
The idea that the market should decide who gets to buy what was, he said, ‘laughably naïve and also, like, really unfair.’
TWIT says that while somms, itinerant pickers and distillery workers control the means of production, their lowly salary means they are often only able to afford prosecco or cheap crap made by celebrities.
The group describes the situation as being ‘as iniquitous as Apothic’ and says it has to change.
Under their redistribution scheme, industry workers will be means-tested then given vouchers to buy the finest wines known to humanity such as Petrus, Lafite and Armand de Brignac.
TWIT plans to fund the scheme by securing a nine-figure contract to manufacture PPE equipment for the UK government and then not delivering it.
Give and take
TWIT says the means-testing would be based on the established principle of ‘each giving according to his salary and taking according to how drunk they want to get.’
The new plans were welcomed enthusiastically by Jocky McJockface, a 45-year-old forklift driver at the Glen Scrotum distillery.
‘It’ll be great to be able to drink the posh stuff for a change,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Especially with Coke.’
Blue-chip merchants Barely Bothers and Crudd called the scheme ‘seditious Trotskyite nonsense’ and ‘as economically unworkable as the business plans of most drinks companies.’
‘There’s already lots of drinks for poor people,’ said Eton-Anne Oxford. ‘That’s what the bottom shelves in supermarkets are for.’
If impoverished members of the drinks and hospitality trades wanted to drink more expensive wines than they could afford, she said, they could ‘always copy journalists and avoid using the spit bucket at tastings.’
However some of France’s most famous names said the new group had made them reassess their priorities.
‘It is terrible to think that we are priced beyond the reach of the very people who make our wines what they are,’ said DRC’s Norbert de Fastlane.
‘By which we mean the marketing folk whose job is to grossly inflate our prices and then can’t afford to buy them.’
In future, de Fastlane told Fake Booze that they would be making a more affordable ‘IOU by DRC’ for £199 a bottle that would ‘allow poor people to be as royally ripped off as rich ones.’
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