The Masters of Wank (MW) and Confederation of Misogynists and Sex Pests (CMS) have joined forces to create a new Master of Water qualification.
Course head, Stan Pellegrino, said the four-year MH20 course was significantly different in its aims from the other two.
‘While the MS is a way of ensuring you remain in the lower tax-band all your working life, and the MW is designed to keep your number of friends down to manageable levels, MH20 is much more about pointless exploration,’ he said.
‘Though of course all of them are a nice little earner for us.’
Neau use
Like the MS and MW, the Master of Water will involve years researching a dissertation that is of no earthly use to anyone and will be instantly forgotten by all who read it, plus a tasting paper that is only passable by sleeping with one of the examiners.
Pellegrino said the syllabus would ‘give an in-depth exploration of waters from all over the world, with up to 5% of the content focusing on waters from outside France and Italy.’
Critics have said the course’s format ‘recycles the same old piss – in this case literally.’
Pinot Grigi-eau
However, MH20 instructor Evie-Anne Zaripov stood by the new qualification.
‘People think that water is lacking in complexity,’ she said, ‘but that’s absolutely not the case.
‘As well as being filtered through rocks it’s probably also been through someone’s digestive system, so candidates don’t just have to learn about terroir, but pissoir as well.
‘Really,’ she told Fake Booze, ‘it’s as complex as wine.
‘And definitely more complex than most Pinot Grigio.’
Bi-eau-degradable
The rise in bottled water, however, is not without controversy.
‘Since it’s packaged in non-biodegradable plastic and shipped all over the world it’s about as eco-friendly as a coal-fired power-station,’ said Bea Toobee, analyst at the European Division of Made Up Facts and Figures (MUFFDivE).
Producers, she said, used unnecessarily expensive packaging and a load of poorly-understood drivel about geology on the back label to con people into thinking the contents were special.
‘It is,’ she told Fake Booze, ‘a very different world from wine.’
Coll-eau-gen
According to Stan Pellegrino the need for a detailed water course had never been more urgent, with complex new products appearing all the time.
Norwegian water giant Toss, for instance, has launched a range of waters for every ‘hydration occasion’, with aqua cognoscenti able to choose from water enriched with Vitamin D, collagen or electrolytes, depending on whether they are stupid, vain or gullible.
‘They’re very much for affluent consumers,’ said Bea Toobee. ‘And definitely for effluent ones.’
Eau-thentic
Pellegrino described the situation in the world of water as ‘incredibly fluid’ and admitted that the exact parameters of the course could change significantly from one year to the next to take in all the new launches.
‘But one thing that won’t change,’ he told Fake Booze, ‘is that successful candidates will be able to shit on endlessly and in minute detail about a subject that is of zero interest to anyone in their right mind.
‘Just like a real Master of Wine.’
Fake Booze has arranged a special deal whereby its Patreon supporters can download their own Master of Water certificate for free, without having to do any of that boring studying nonsense. Click on the pink block at the top of this article to sign up and get instant letters after your name today!
