The discovery of some ancient scrolls and drinking paraphernalia apparently belonging to Methusaleh is being hailed by the drinks industry as ‘conclusive proof that booze is good for you’.
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The find, by a team of archaeologists from Diageo, Pernod Ricard and Moet Hennessy included wine cups, an ancient cocktail mixer and a ‘receipt’ for six cases of champagne.
Professor Odd Findings who led the team said they had been working on the dig for years and it was ‘just a happy coincidence’ that its discovery should coincide with several weeks of stories in the world’s press saying how alcohol gives you cancer.
Conclusive proof
‘Methusaleh obviously drank booze on a regular basis,’ said drinks historian May Dupp-Info, ‘and according to the Bible he lived to be 969.
‘So that just proves that alcohol can’t be bad for you.
‘In fact, if we want to live longer we should probably be drinking more, if anything.’
The fact that a Methusaleh large-format bottle held six litres was, she said, ‘probably a good indication of what we should all be tucking away on a daily basis.’
Welcome news
The drinks press hailed the find as particularly welcome news since they had run out of people over the age of 100 who were prepared to attribute their longevity to drinking alcohol.
‘We need to write at least one of these stories a month,’ said Kashfur Content of Drinks Trade News International, ‘but it’s getting harder and harder to find them.’
This was, he said, partly because old people are secretive and tend not to post about their lives on social media, but largely because most drinks lovers die of liver cirrhosis long before they hit three figures.
It was, he told Fake Booze, ‘essential that the drinks industry is able to counter rigorous scientific research with unverifiable human interest stories so it doesn’t have to face up to facts that it doesn’t like.’
Sceptical
However Dr Pan Creatitis from the anti-drink group Alcohol Will Fuck Up Your Life (AWFUL) said they were sceptical about the findings, describing them as ‘even more suspiciously self-fulfilling than most of our research’.
AWFUL said the wine goblets ‘look like they’ve come off eBay’ and that it had ‘serious reservations’ about the idea of someone living to the age of 969.
‘It’s clearly ridiculous,’ said Dr Creatitis. ‘Though if he hadn’t touched alcohol he’d probably have lived to be over 1000.’
Click here to read about Champagne’s plans to use human sacrifice to patch things up with God
