Drinks researchers claim to have discovered a magical elixir capable of doubling any spirit brand’s sales overnight and extending its shelf-life by decades.
Brand Reviver, created by a team at the University of Brand Development in Stockholm, has just one magical property: it turns your drink pink.
‘It’s incredible,’ said the UBD’s chief scientist, Dr Coral Hue. ‘Just a few drops of this stuff can completely transform the fortunes of all but the most decrepit of bottles.’
The research team claim to have market-tested their new creation on a supermarket whisky, a ‘truly dreadful’ cut-price gin and a passion-fruit liqueur. In all cases, sales rocketed once the products changed colour.
‘It’s undeniable: clear and brown spirits just don’t cut it any more,’ said Hue. ‘For spirits brands to have any hope of surviving nowadays, they have to be pink.
‘Dayglo, salmon, cerise, blush, it doesn’t matter: customers will literally buy anything provided it’s the colour of an embarrassed flamingo.
‘Just look at Frosé.’
The Brand Reviver sells for 10 Euros a litre, and transforming a gin or vodka, where only a few drops are required, could be relatively cheap. But turning cognac, whisky or bourbon the right shade of rosé is expensive – and not for everyone.
‘We tested every possible shade of pink with our audience, and they universally preferred our distinctive murky brown look,’ said a spokesman for Jagermeister.
‘But the day we rinse the last penny out of every rocker, metalhead and bartender out there, we know what to do.’
Online sceptics have questioned whether the same effect could be created by ‘adding a bit of food colouring’. But Dr Hue was quick to dismiss such thinking.
‘There’s so much more to Brand Reviver than its colour,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘Don’t let the giant production facilities fool you. This is a hand-crafted, small-batch, artisanal product with a great heritage.’
UBD are looking to add more buzz-words to the back story ‘as they think of them’.
‘For instance, people say it’s really hard to get ‘organic’ on a label,’ said Dr Hue. ‘But all you have to do is use a smaller typeface and squash it in.
‘I don’t know what all the fuss is about.’