New Black Tower range ‘proven to remove 99.9% of guests’

Black Tower
Graphic: Rob 'Thurgau' Johnson

Black Tower has launched a new ‘Sturm & Drang’ range which it claims are its ‘most effective wines yet’ at getting rid of party stragglers.

The company says the wines are ‘perfect for sharing with friends on lazy summer evenings – when you want them to bugger off and leave you alone.’

Radical versatility

But brand manager Lotte Muller-Thurgau was keen to stress the wines’ versatility, saying they were not just for barbecues.

‘They’re equally unpalatable with or without food,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘So you can use them to shut down picnics, festivals – even dinner parties.

‘Frankly, any time you want to bring an evening to a close, whatever the occasion we’re confident that Sturm & Drang will do the job.’

The company said the wines were also a ‘perfect gift for social occasions when you want to make it obvious you wish you were somewhere else.’

Radical new look

Marketing experts were quick to shower praise on Sturm & Drang’s ground-breaking new look, describing it as ‘not terrible’, ‘quite attractive’ and ‘unlike any Black Tower packaging ever seen before.’

‘That offensive, knobbly dark bottle so obviously contained a shocking wine that it was easy for guests to avoid it and ask for something else – which made it harder to get rid of them,’ said Brand Iteration guru Ad Spend.

‘But by going for a bottle that looks a bit like Perrier-Jouet Belle Epoque, guests won’t suspect a thing until it’s in their glass, and by then it will be too late.

‘After just one sip, they’ll be desperate to leave.

‘Again, a bit like Belle Epoque.’ 

Radical indifference

The company says that the range’s unmatchable guest-removing capabilities are the result of ‘a ground-breaking lack of interest, both in the vineyard and the winery.’

‘We’re not really sure exactly what the grape varieties are or where they’re from,’ said winemaker Madeline Angevine. ‘We’re pretty sure most of them are white and probably come from Germany.

‘Though frankly, once you tip a bag of sugar in, it doesn’t make much difference either way.’

At just 1m cases, the company describes the ‘limited edition’ summer range as ‘bijou – at least by our standards.’

Radical sleb removal

The new Black Tower range includes many formats for different types of straggler, with a sparkling, a spritz, a rosé en magnum and a 3-litre bag-in-box which, with attached hose cannon has been specially created for dispersing large gatherings.

For particularly stubborn guests the winery has also created a low-alcohol, low-calorie, no-taste variant, ‘Pee by Black Tower’ which, it says, should be ‘drunk with protective equipment and used only after referring to the accompany instructions.’

‘It’s pretty hard core stuff,’ said Muller Thurgau. ‘It’ll get rid of pretty much anyone except Gwyneth Paltrow and Cameron Diaz.’

Click here to read about German wine’s ‘uncrackable’ new classification system.

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