Science shows it’s OK to call a wine ‘paleo’

paleo wine
Graphic: Rob 'Missing Link' Johnson

Scientists, archaeologists and lifestyle snake-oil salesmen everywhere have decreed that it’s ‘OK and totally not horseshit’ to describe a wine as ‘paleo’.

Varied diet

Critics had previously said that the term – relating to a diet based on the eating habits of our distant ancestors – couldn’t possibly apply to wine, since it ‘wasn’t invented until millions of years later’.

But new research by easily-bribeable scientists has uncovered that our ancestors had a much more varied diet than we thought.

‘It’s true that primitive civilisations might have been incapable of preparing food beyond raw meat and a few berries, but recent discoveries show that they did, in fact, make their own wine,’ said Dr Oz Tralopithacus of the Guild of Neanderthal and Dinosaur Studies (GONADS).

The bone-fondler admitted that while it might seem surprising to 21st century humans that a people with such a basic food culture could have developed the means to create and consume alcohol, he said it was not unheard of. 

‘I mean, just look at Germany or the Netherlands.’

Don’t be a hater

‘This goes to prove what we have been saying all along,’ said Gwyneth Smugge of the Squeaky Clean wine company in California. ‘Namely, that our beautiful products are all about spreading self-love and positive energy.

‘And anyone who says otherwise can just fuck off and die.’


Wine logician and journo scientist James Fantastic said that the company’s descriptions still ‘left a nasty taste in the mouth – rather like the wines themselves.’  

But Squeaky Clean stood by its sales pitch, saying that all its wines are ‘keto, osteo, paleo, patio, vegan-free, dolphin-friendly, sulfite-compatible and biodorganic’.

‘Our products are perfect for people who want to live their best life free of any form of intelligent or rational thought,’ said Smugge. ‘They are pure, natural and completely free of toxins.

‘Apart from the marketing.’

Pretty basic

Scientists say they were first alerted to the possibility of a primitive wine culture by social media cave paintings showing a heated debate about orange wines and whether ‘missing linkfluencers’ were the future.

‘Of course, the wines themselves would have been pretty basic,’ said Dr Tralopithacus. ‘Riddled with faults and largely unpalatable to our modern palates.

‘A lot like what you’d find in an Italian co-operative today.’

Grunting primitives

Despite the new scientific evidence that our distant ancestors created ‘paleo wine’, many journalists have continued to pour scorn on the idea.

‘Some people do struggle with the concept of such grunting primitives ever mastering complex skills when they can barely even hold a conversation,’ admitted Dr Tralopithacus. 

‘But I expect most of them will be replaced by bloggers in the next ten years.’

Click here to read about how dinosaurs invented sherry.

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