Peak wax? You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Pix: bottles - Tim Arrowsmith; background - Billy Huynh, Unsplash

A Spanish winery claims to have made what it says is ‘the most unforgeable ever’ by the simple process of dipping it almost entirely in wax.

But sources at the winery say that this is just the start…

Keep it safe

Bodegas Ludicroso launched its Waxisimo range last week to a largely baffled audience, but told Fake Booze in an exclusive interview that there are good reasons for its distinctive packaging.

‘We have heard a great deal about wine forgeries over the last decade,’ said owner, Jose Atdador, ‘and we felt that covering the bottle 80% in wax would help to address this.

‘Even if most of the fake wines tend to be premier cru Bordeaux or DRC rather than a €6 red from the Costa Nomucho DO.’

Saddo Masochism

Described by critics as ‘like a cross between a gimp mask and a sex aid’ the wax covers 2/3 of the bottle, including the entire back label.

Senor Atdador said this was ‘totally fine’ because the latter was ‘full of made-up marketing crap that nobody reads in any case.’

More chaste, less speed

The uber-wax covering is said to be highly effective at helping wines to age – not least because nobody can get through the wax to open them.

Though the winery claims that the truly committed can access the cork with a chisel, blowtorch and angle-grinder.

‘I am very close to my wines,’ explained Sr Atdador. ‘Even after my beautiful bottles leave the winery they are still mine. And if I can’t have them then nobody can.’

He told Fake Booze that he viewed the thick wax covering as ‘more of a chastity belt than a closure.’

Waximum expression

However, Bodegas Ludicroso said that it wasn’t done yet with its wax antics

The winery is planning to introduce a special cuvée, where the bottle is entirely dipped in wax, before being locked inside a sealed wax container, held together by a wax padlock, for ‘maximum inaccessibility’.

‘Basically, I just like dipping things in warm gloopy liquid,’ said Atdador. ‘It’s why I spend so much time at my local hospital.’

Click here to read why wax-dipped bottles should be ‘punishable by death’, and here to read why over-use of waxing and ‘bottle shaming’ are causing misery for pressured teens

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