In what is being called the ‘ultimate celebrity wine’, the Queen has continued the royal family’s expansion into the world of drinks by announcing plans to launch her own sparkling wine.
Liz’s Fizz is expected to hit the market next month in Brexit-friendly pint-sized bottles.
Representative
Clarence House, who made the wine and holds the ancient position of Must-Smeller Pursuivant, told Fake Booze that it was ‘largely made up of carefully in-bred German varieties with a small amount of high-acid Greek thrown into the mix.’
Tasters have described it as ‘incredibly closed’, ‘expensively packaged’ and ‘perfectly capturing the essence of what the royal family are all about.’
Proper input
There has been a slew of celebrity wines over the last 18 months, with the stars often criticised for having little actual involvement in the wines that bear their name.
But the Liz’s Fizz team say this was not the case this time.
‘The Queen brought a lot of her everyday skills to the wine’s creation,’ said Clarence House.
‘Specifically by sitting in the corner with a face like a slapped arse and saying knack all.’
Sussex appeal
This is not the Royal family’s first wine. The ‘Sussex Blend’ for younger consumers was a highly unusual creation, using, as it did, pink and non-white grapes.
Traditional royal watchers found its combination of social media, virtue-signalling and genetic diversity largely unpalatable, though it is going down well in the States where consumers appear to have a higher tolerance of sugar.
Brand embarrassment
However, recent concerns from the World Hysteria Organisation (WHO) over the impact of drinks on health – especially for young people – could lead to the withdrawal of the family’s Cuvée Andrew.
‘We told them for years that they needed to put warning signs on it because it was dangerous, but they didn’t listen,’ said the WHO’s Dr Pan Creatitis.
The wine’s 15 years of ageing ‘sur sleaze’ in Epstein barrels he said, made it ‘particularly toxic for minors.’
The brand has been removed from circulation and, on current evidence, may never be seen again.
Angry aristos
The Queen has issued Liz’s Fizz with a Royal Warrant, and withdrawn her approval from all other sparkling wines – a move which has not gone down well in Champagne.
‘She is using her wealth and power to get what she wants and screw over anyone who’s smaller than her,’ said Elle Vié-Maitch of the Organisation of Underwhelming Champagne Houses (OUCH).
‘It’s disgusting. Everyone knows that’s our job.’
Big ambitions
The Queen is rumoured already to be working on a pre-mixed Bucks Fizz cocktail – named after the palace – and a zero alcohol variant called Chateau Windsor Not.
Prince Charles, meanwhile, has an organic, biodynamic, natural, zero intervention wine in the pipeline, provisionally called ‘Touchy Feely Duchy Weirdy’.
‘These guys really are serious about this,’ said royal watcher Zack Scoburg. ‘And the fact that they have no idea what they’re doing doesn’t mean they can’t succeed.
‘I mean, look at Treasury.’
Click here to read about the Queen’s ‘Her Maj’ range of spirits; and here to read about ‘Sovereign Method’ UK sparkling wines
