Ordinary people like to give each other gifts to show how much they care. This is their right.
And often, those gifts are bottles of wine. This is also fine – provided the level of interest/knowledge of the giver matches that of the recipient.
Uh oh… crap wine alert
Which is where, Houston, we have a problem. Because most humans are not like us. They are shallow creatures and easily satisfied.
We are Drinks Lovers and therefore Better Than Them.
And it’s about time that they knew it and acted accordingly, dammit.
We’ve all taken a bottle of something good round to someone’s house only to see it disappear onto the wine rack in their sitting room.
And we’ve all been brought a bottle of Pricefixer Supermarket’s Kiwi’s Piss Sauvignon – often with the delighted observation that it was ‘reduced to half price’ – when we’ve spent literally an entire day cooking.
So to save everyone a lot of time, hassle and fake smiling, Fake Booze has created the following handy ‘Twelve Rules for Successful Wine Gifting’ to help everyone negotiate the minefield of home entertaining.
Think of it as a kind of ‘wine gifting charter’. Simply print it off and frame it in your kitchen for all to see, or include it as an attachment with any invitations you send out.
Believe us, within six months the problem will have gone away.
As will all your friends…
The Fake Booze Wine Gifting ‘Magnum Carta’
- Please don’t bring me wine – your taste is crap. I’d rather have chocolate, which I ostentatiously refuse to buy myself but actually secretly love. Especially the really cheap stuff that’s full of sugar.
- If you buy me a totally pointless wine gadget like the Wine Wand or the Wine Wotsit, please don’t be offended if I don’t use it on the night. Or even unbox it. That would reduce its resale value on Ebay.
- If you ARE going to bring me wine, make sure it’s expensive. If you buy me cheap wine I will take it as a personal affront and urinate in your dinner. And I’m not even joking. I’ve done it before, but you didn’t notice.
- If you do buy me wine and it’s expensive, please make sure that it’s a style that I like. Feel free to ring in advance, and I’ll give you a shortlist of acceptable regions and producers and the number of my favourite merchant.
- Please don’t be offended if I also tell you exactly which wine and vintage I want. I know that the price is more than you would typically spend on wine in a month, but don’t forget who’s cooking your dinner. And what could happen if you offend me.
- In fact, frankly, it’d be easier all round if you just give me your credit card details and let me order the wine. Just tell me what you think I’m worth, and we’re good to go.
- Don’t buy me champagne. The names that impress you won’t impress me. If you turn up with a bottle of prosecco then we are through.
- Oh – and the same goes for port. We both know that it’s an unwanted gift from Christmas that’s been sitting in that wine rack by your radiator for six months. If you bring a bottle I’m going to open it up and insist you drink it. Before dinner.
- If I come to you, whatever bottle I bring you’d better damn well open so I don’t have to drink your supermarket swill all night. If my bottle is still sitting there at the end of the night unopened, I’m taking it back.
- Do not put my bottle of Jaboulet in the microwave to warm it up because you ‘think it’s a bit cold’ like you did last time.
- Don’t steam the labels off a bottle of Jacob’s Creek and pretend that it’s a clean-skin wine from a funky surfing producer with tattoos who you Googled literally five minutes before I arrived.
- Do not serve me anything you’ve brought on holiday. Ever. I can guarantee it will be undrinkable. Especially if it’s a rosé. From three years ago.
Got any rules of your own you’d like to add? Either email [email protected] or tag @fakebooze on Twatter. If we get enough we’ll gather them together into another article. Which would be great because we won’t even have to write anything.
