Conversations about sustainability in the drinks world are running at critical levels and could run out in just a few years’ time, according to a recent report.
The study, ‘Bollocks – and why we have to stop talking it’ was published by the drinks marketing watchdog Offpiss yesterday.
According to Offpiss’ director of operations, Orla Bigg-Lie, if the industry doesn’t switch from its reliance on unverifiable green messaging, it could run out of positive PR by 2050.
The report looked at media statements, press releases and web content across the booze world, and found a ‘shocking reliance on completely unquantifiable statements of ecological virtue signalling.’
The report said that drinks producers had been mining terms like ‘sustainable’, ‘minimum intervention’, ‘hands off’ and ‘low impact’ for decades, but these could no longer be relied on going forward.
‘In their raw state these terms aren’t much use,’ said Bigg-Lie. ‘But once they’ve been refined via a conference or a soft-focus video, they’ve usually been enough to fob off uncritical journalists and gullible members of the public.’
But soaring levels of greenwashing have severely depleted reserves of interest.
‘If the industry carries on mining the issue in this way,’ she told Fake Booze, ‘in five years time literally nobody will give a shit about butterflies or a made-up carbon footprint.’
Clean it up!
Experts have said that the industry needs to clean up its act.
‘Let’s face it, there’s no way that drinks producers should be happy to spout such huge amounts of toxically vapid bilge into the atmosphere,’ said environmentalist Angie Bughunter.
‘The drinks world needs to cease its reliance on these so called ‘facile fuels’ and move to something more wholesome – such as telling the truth occasionally.’
Research by Fake Booze backs this up, revealing that conferences on sustainability in drinks have hit an all-time high. Dozens take place every day, with literally thousands of empty phrases being released into the atmosphere on a daily basis.
According to Bughunter, these high levels of sanctimonious drivel are eating away at the so-called ‘Bozone Layer’ which allows humans to believe utter garbage.
‘There is a real impending energy crisis,’ said Offpiss’ Bigg-Lie. ‘Pretty soon there could be no heat or light shed on this issue at all.’
‘These levels of sustainability are completely unsustainable,’ concluded the report. ‘The industry needs to go back to a simpler way of doing things before it’s too late.
‘Namely, by admitting that it will happily burn through planet-immolating amounts of chemicals, water and energy if the end result is a product cheap enough to get a listing in Lidl.’