Drinks world to move to ‘Total Decanting’

pic: WikiCommons

Pouring drinks from a bottle is as stupid as thinking Donald Trump deserves a second go in the White House. That’s the bold finding from a ground-breaking new study which claims that all drinks should be decanted.

Shock waves

The research, by the group Keep Drinks Complicated, uses science, research and record amounts of yearning for attention to reach its conclusions.

The report’s claim – that it’s not just heavy red wines and vintage port that need decanting, but everything – has sent shock waves through the industry.

‘I always used to work on the assumption that you only had to decant something if it was so full of ego you couldn’t lift the bottle, or so full of sediment you could stand a spoon up in it,’ said long-time drinks writer Boo Zhack. 

‘But if that’s no longer true I’ll have to redraft the content in my Idiots’ Guide to Wine for the first time in 35 years.’

Et brut, Brutus?

Some, however, have questioned the report’s findings – particularly for sparkling wines.

‘There’s no way you can tell me that decanting champagne is a good thing,’ fumed commentator, Massey Vanus. ‘The bubbles are the only thing that make it worth drinking in the first place.

‘People will basically be paying way over the odds for a glass of flat, unripe, sugar-filled rubbish.

‘And you can insert your own gag here about the hate-brand of your choice.’

Pick Poo

Drinks scientist James Fabulous went further, telling Fake Booze that decanting could also impact the quality of lighter wines.

‘Things like Muscadet and Picpoul have sod all flavour to start with,’ he said. ‘So by the time you’ve tipped them into a decanter and out again there will be nothing left.

‘Though on reflection I can see why it might be an advantage for Sauvignon Blanc.’ 

Keeping it complicated

Head of Keep Drinks Complicated, Esau Terica, said that their discovery could be just what the drinks trade has been looking for.

‘The beauty of this report is that most people don’t have a decanter, and those that do don’t know how to use it,’ he told Fake Booze.

‘When they’re in a submissive state like that we can sell them anything.’

It was, he said, a ‘great chance to reintroduce a much-needed element of inaccessibility back into drinks.’

Bespoke decanters

Glass manufacturer Riedel has welcomed the news with open arms.

‘This research could make a huge difference to the enjoyment that people get from their drinking experience,’ said CEO Smeagol Riedel.  ‘Particularly if they work for us because we’ll be coining it in.’

Riedel said production of decanters for gin, IPA and cream liqueurs was already underway, and the design team were hard at work on glassware for different flavours of milkshake, variants of Coca Cola and Smirnoff Ice.

Total Decanting

The Court of Master Sommeliers described the move to Total Decanting as a ‘game-changer’.

‘The opportunity to spend a fortune on beautiful and unnecessary equipment that can be worked into a pointlessly ornate ceremony is what gets our members out of bed in the morning,’ said Pierre Tire-Bouchon, head of the CMS.

Tire-Bouchon admitted that decanting everything would probably mean that restaurants have to get rid of 80% of their tables to store all the new glassware.

‘Though frankly,’ he told Fake Booze, ‘since most sommeliers like wine much more than they like people, that’s a bit of a win-win.’

Click here to read about industry plans to deport anyone who holds their glass by the bowl.

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