The British government is to demand that all drinks sold within its borders conform to higher standards of Britishness as of next month.
The new Minimum Units of Patriotism (MUP2) scheme would mean that all drinks in the UK would need to contain at least 20% British-made products and be sold in bottles clearly labelled with pro-British imagery.
The Scots, Welsh and Irish governments have all recently introduced Minimum Unit Pricing, which sets a higher base level for the price of alcohol.
The UK government has always rejected the latter as being ‘complicated, expensive and, crucially, likely to make us even more unpopular’.
However a spokesman said that their unique chauvinism-based strategy would make everyone more British and therefore happier and would ‘put the ‘grate’ back into Great Britain’.
Reaction to MUP2 from spirits producers was mixed.
Bacardi told Fake Booze it was already working on a special ‘Union Bat’ bottle to comply with the new patriotism rules, while the giant Pistov vodka brand said the changes would not affect it since it had no idea where any of its raw material came from anyway.
But Glen McScrotum from the Ballbaggie distillery in Speyside said he would ‘rather die than put a tyrant’s flag on my proud Scottish product’ and was withdrawing all his bottles from the home market to sell them in ‘less stridently nationalist’ countries such as China.
Government research suggests that the wine world is ‘evenly split’ on the issue.
British producers have heralded the new ‘compulsory Britification’ process as being ‘the most plausible way we’ve seen yet of getting people to drink our still wines’; the rest of the world is vehemently opposed.
Hundreds of producers have already threatened to withdraw their products from the UK if the legislation goes ahead.
But Prime Minister Eton Twatt was dismissive of the threats, telling Fake Booze that ‘If growers from Burgundy, Tuscany and Napa don’t want to improve the quality and complexity of their wines with a judicious bit of Rondo then that’s their problem.’
What a blunt
Social scientists have given a cautious welcome to the measures.
‘There are a lot of ‘problem thinkers’ in this country who feel it’s ok to criticise their elders and betters after a few drinks,’ said social scientist, Dem O’Graphic. ‘Increased patriotism inside and outside the bottle might help address that.’
However, veteran drinks writer Frances Jobbinson said a system based on noisy jingoism would likely be ineffective because it affected all drinkers indiscriminately.
‘It’s a very blunt instrument,’ she said. ‘Just like the Prime Minister’s brain.’
Er… forgive me
Visiting Peppa Pig World yesterday, Eton Twatt was in confident mood.
‘Apart from giving us less choice and worse products there are literally no downsides to MUP2,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘52% of the population love the way it taps into a misguided belief in our inherent superiority while simultaneously pissing off the rest of the world.
‘And unlike Brexit it won’t cost us billions of pounds a year.’