A hardcore group of vegan wine producers has claimed that all wine production is the cause of unimaginable suffering to animals, except for theirs.
Bloody slaughter
‘Commercial wine is a bloodbath,’ said Gottfried Bratwurst, head of extremist animal-friendly winery, Pleasure is Murder.
‘I can practically hear the screams of slaughtered animals whenever I open a bottle.
‘Particularly if I haven’t had my medication.’
Vegans are the worst
Wines actually labelled as vegan, he said, were especially guilty because they ‘pretend they care when they don’t.’
The fact that the wines themselves contained no animal products was, he said, ‘irrelevant in the grand scheme of things’ since they used electricity, which is powered by fossils and took up land which could otherwise be used to graze llamas.
‘I’ve seen thousands of bottles of vegan-labelled wine being delivered in fox-killing enviro-destructor lorries to supermarkets where the shop assistants wear leather shoes,’ he told Fake Booze.
‘The hypocrisy is breathtaking.’
The solution, he said, was simple. ‘Everyone just needs to make wine the same way that we do.’
Taking the ‘die’ out of Medieval
Bratwurst and his Pleasure is Murder followers practise an extreme version of wine growing that they call organo-veganamics which has its roots in the ‘agricultural glory days’ of the Middle Ages.
‘Peasants then lived authentic, happy lives,’ said Bratwurst. ‘At least, until they died in agony at the age of 36.’
Under organo-veganamics, bug-free ‘preparations’ are sprayed on the vines by incontinent Labradors, and manure is buried not in a cow-horn but a hollowed out butternut squash.
The wines are unfined, unfiltered and, since they are made in a moss-lined tree stump, undrinkable.
Drinks writer Francis Jobbinson gave their ‘100% Natural Pain-Free Cuvée’ his lowest ever mark of 16.5/20 – the same as every other wine on his site.
Bug-friendly
While happy with what they have achieved so far, the Pleasure is Murder team are determined not to get complacent.
The move from machine harvesting to hand harvesting proved unsatisfactory after one picker accidentally stood on a ladybird.
The winery is currently looking at carrying out all vineyard work from a hot air balloon that hovers two feet off the ground, though accept that this isn’t perfect because they could ‘bump into a moth’.
Running costs are high as a result. The winery makes 24 cases of wine a year, at an average price of €120/bottle with a staff of six.
‘It just goes to show that you can make a living using this model,’ said Bratwurst, ‘provided you stick rigidly to your principles, don’t eat and have access to a wealthy and gullible consumer base.’
Switch it up
Fake Booze ran into John Public outside his local Pricefixer supermarket.
‘I had no idea that wine was made in a way that was so exploitative and disrespectful to animals,’ he said.
‘I’m going to put this vegan-labelled wine back and replace it with a Pleasure is Murder Merlot.
‘It’ll be lovely with my steak.’
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