Will Smith to launch ‘Kick Ass’ new drinks range

Will Smith
Will Smith Pic: Gage Skidmore, flickr; distillery pic: Semhur, Creative Commons

Oscar chop-slapper Will Smith has announced he is to launch his own drinks range.

Celeb watchers have described it as ‘a big surprise – though still less of a shock than watching him beat the crap out of the Oscars’ host on live TV.’

Next stage

Smith has since apologised for his televised assault, and resigned from the Academy.

But his agent Hugh-John Tourage told Fake Booze that the actor is now keen to make the most out of his new bad-boy image, and sees drinks as being the perfect next stage in his career.

‘To be honest, he was getting bored of acting,’ said Tourage. ‘Which is perhaps no surprise when you look at most of the films he’s been in recently.’

Drinks, he said, would allow the star to ‘connect with real people once again, such as anally retentive tweed-wearing aristocrats, heavily-tattooed dipsomaniac ex bartenders and Chinese fraudsters.’

Kick Ass VSOP

According to the press release, Will Smith’s new Kick Ass label will feature drinks with ‘big, aggressive flavours that fly out of the glass and pummel your taste buds until they cry for mercy’.

Currently, the range features an unbalanced flavoured vodka – Whackarocka, wines made from the ‘nuance-free’ Menin Noir grape variety and a ‘particularly unsubtle’ cognac.

‘It’s hot, pumped and very in your face,’ said brandy journalist Eck Soh. ‘Though I’d probably still take it over Camus.’

The Kick Ass Cognac is a VSOP, which the company stays can stand either for Very Substantial Olfactory Perfume, or Violating Someone with an Open Palm.

The actor is also working on a rum that’s ‘perfect for use in a punch. Or just before you throw one.’

Thrash Prince

According to sources close to the one-time Thrash Prince of Bel Air, this is no impulse decision.

‘Will has been thinking seriously about this pretty much since he realised that he’ll never get an acting job again,’ said one friend.

The ‘days, almost weeks of consideration’ have been described as ‘significantly more time and thought than most celebrities put into their drinks brands’.

Careful synergy

With more celebrities now making drinks than there are making films, Hollywood drinks watcher, Ivana Selfie, said it was ‘essential’ that Smith’s range was carefully put together to chime with his personality.

‘It’s so important to have that synergy,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘For instance, Clooney’s tequila was smooth and elegant, Cliff Richard’s rosé was sickly and crap, and Gary Barlow’s Spanish wines have no personality whatsoever.’

Fake Booze was halfway through tasting the new drinks so it could make its own mind up, but was told to ‘get my new brands out of your f***ing mouth.’

Click here to read about Megan Thee Stallion’s ‘Dirty Wine’, and here to read about how to write the perfect nauseating celebrity drinks story.

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