Christmas is a great time of year for the drinks industry, allowing it to really engage with the true meaning of the season: non-stop showing off.
Unnecessary over-consumption provides the perfect opportunity for grandstanding, humblebragging and having a sly dig at your competitors on social media – all in the name of celebration.
And of course, spending two hours dicking about on Wine Twatter – sorry, Wine X – on the big day sure beats all that tedious ‘talking to family’ nonsense.
Below Fake Booze has some key tips to help you to get the most out of the season of goodwill on social media – and, most importantly, to ensure that others don’t.
You can’t have too many bottles
Forget taste, restraint and moderation. Christmas is about showing the world how stupendously successful you are, how well stocked your cellar is and how little of a shit you give about soaring interest rates because you earn so much money.
Two bottles of Champagne, a magnum of white burgundy, three vintages of claret, at least one bottle of port and some carefully-selected sipping spirits are the ABSOLUTE MINIMUM for the big day, but to leave everyone in no doubt really you should be aiming for double figures.
Fitting these bottles onto one photo is a challenge – and means that anyone who wants to see what you’ve been drinking will need to expand the post. An irritation for them, it’s good news for you.
Do say: ‘Not so many for Christmas 2023, and granny wasn’t drinking, so just the 14 bottles this year.’
It’s ok to be daring…
Classic regions rule, as we’ve seen. But the more experienced/dedicated will build on these basics with New World counterpoints such as English fizz, Aussie Chardonnay, and Napa Cabernet.
When presenting these, ALWAYS talk about them as though you have made a rare discovery and are being incredibly daring.
Do say: ‘After working our way through the crus of the Médoc we thought we’d go a bit crazy with a couple of bottles of Opus I.’
But there are some to avoid…
In your day job you may serve prosecco by the bucket load.
You might tell customers that Chilean wine still represents good value for money – particularly if they find the bubbles in Coca Cola a bit gassy.
You might, god help us, still write articles about why Argentinian Malbec is exciting.
But none of these drinks can be posted about at Christmas – at least, not if you want to retain any followers – because they’re crap. Not only that, but since they were trends that started post 1990, they are Modern Crap.
If in doubt, ask yourself ‘what would an Edwardian gentleman drink’? If that’s a stretch, imagine a relatively progressive reader of Decanter.
Remember: older is better
You get very few bonus marks for serving the current vintage of anything – no matter how good it is. To show that you are a Serious Player in the world of drink, you need to be showing off bottles that have not been available for at least ten years. Though the truly canny Christmas boaster will put aside their Christmas stock for several decades.
In fact, even a bottle of absolute piss can create intrigue on social media if it’s old enough. Particularly if you can add a cringeworthy story about how the winemaker was a personal friend and gave you the wine shortly before his tragic death in a freak bottling line accident.
Do say: ‘People say that Sauvignon Blanc can’t age, but this 35 year old bottle of Montana was a star with the smoked salmon.’
Add tasting notes that prove your genius
Because Christmas is all about YOU, it’s essential that every bottle sticks it to your peers. A great way of doing this is by serving a deliberately hideous vintage and then telling everyone how good it was and how you were right to buy it in the first place.
Ideally, this will lead to a vicious battle with naysayers on Twitter, which should keep everyone happily engaged until the New Year.
Do say: ‘People said that the 1992 Chateau Pisse-Pour was best used for hand sanitiser, but after 30 years it has matured into a classic expression of Bordeaux. What a bargain!’