Researchers finally reveal identity of the ‘ultimate wine consumer’

Mrs Average

Researchers claimed an important milestone at a press conference yesterday when they unveiled the ‘definitive wine consumer’. 

Shock discovery

‘Here she is,’ said report writer Izzy Munny from market research agency Unsurprising Findings, before pulling back a curtain to reveal Mrs Maureen Trobe, a care assistant from Wincanton.

‘Mrs Trobe enjoys rosé, Pinot Grigio, Malbec and the odd bottle of Prosecco with her friends,’ said Munny. ‘And her favourite grape variety is ‘something fruity’.

‘In the last 18 months she has started buying wine online and thinks biodynamics is a brand of shampoo.’

Not millennial

The agency heralded Mrs Trobe as ‘Britain’s most median wine drinker’ and ‘the distillation of every stereotype we’ve spent a decade charging you €5000 for in our reports.’

In a Q&A session Mrs Trobe confirmed that she was not a millennial.

‘If anything I’m C of E,’ she said, ‘although I only go at Christmas.’


‘These are amazing findings,’ said Aisling Sales of the Technicolour Yawn Wine Co in Australia. ‘Reading drinks columns you’d think that the whole world wanted indigenous Balkan grape varieties made in a low intervention style so they taste like a mouse died in your glass.

‘But apparently not every wine drinker has a tattoo.

‘So there must be another reason why our sales are tanking.’

Points mean prizes

But the UK unveiling was overshadowed later in the day by a rival event in the USA.

In Chicago, rival consultant Munifour Oldroap insisted that in fact the true wine consumer was Maurice Katz, a curtain ring salesman from Jacksonville, Florida.

‘Maurice shops by points and loves Napa Cabernet,’ said Oldroap, while displaying a spot-lit Katz on a rotating dais. ‘He thinks wine makes him look ‘classy’ and is engaged in a tedious rivalry with his friends over who has the best wine collection.

‘It’s so all-consuming he’s not realised his wife is sleeping with the man who cleans his swimming pool.’

France profonde

However, a third event organised by French researchers was cancelled at short notice.

‘It is true we had hoped to reveal the ultimate French wine drinker,’ said Marc Etchere of the agency Ne Travaillez Jamais.

‘But unfortunately he passed away some time ago.’

Click here to read about Goop’s plans to sell the world’s first Plutonium-free wine

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