Alcohol will kill you and help you live longer, say reports

Pix: Pixabay and Pixnio

A series of medical studies have proved beyond doubt that alcohol will both kill you and help you live longer.

United in conflict

According to figures released by the World Temperance Fund (WTF) one glass of wine a month could be enough to kill you. These findings are backed up by a contradictory report from the Wuhan Institute of Medical Practioners  (WIMP) which suggests that regular consumption of alcohol could reduce your risk of catching Covid.

The drinks trade has dismissed/welcomed the findings as ‘a disgrace/proof of what we have said all along’ and said that the science behind the reports is ‘absolute garbage/hearteningly robust’.

Health bodies said that the findings were a wake-up call, since drinks related illnesses were both higher and lower than they have ever been.

Per capita consumption was on a prolonged downwards and upwards trend, resulting in growing numbers of fewer people drinking simultaneously more and less than ever before.

Under and out of control

Governments the world over were quick to respond to the latest medical evidence.

‘This is proof that all our anti binge-drinking measures have really hit home and we need to do far more to prevent and maintain this fully under control crisis,’ they told Fake Booze.  

‘It’s absolutely clear that the current situation can’t carry on and we should ensure that it does. Which both would and wouldn’t be a bad thing.’

‘This is great/terrible news,’ agreed everyone. ‘It’s such a relief to know with absolute certainty that I need to stop drinking alcohol entirely whilst also carrying on exactly as I was.’

Confused? Fake Booze’s helpful ‘What Should I Drink?’ Medical Guide is here to help. Or not.

  • Drinking nothing but Sauvignon Blanc won’t make you live longer – it’ll just feel like it.
  • Natural wine will burnish your woke status though can contribute to a highly transmissible spread of bullshit.
  • A small amount of Baileys every day should cure you of unwanted teeth in just a few years.
  • The lack of alcohol in Lo-No wine puts you at greater risk of dying of Covid, although on the plus side you will no longer have to drink Lo-No wine. 
  • Drinking a bottle of whisky a day will provide 90% protection from Covid-19, rising to 100% immunity once you have succumbed to alcohol poisoning.
  • Carrying a 12-bottle case of Argentinian reserve Malbecs is excellent for your abs but terminal for your back.
  • Over-consumption of orange wines can lead to verbal incontinence and flatulence of the mouth.
  • Regularly drinking Merlot reduces your chances of catching Covid but will cause your friends to isolate from you anyway.
  • A bottle of Grand Cru Burgundy a day may keep the doctor away, but probably not the bailiffs. 

Click here to read about the shock moment when the drinks world realised that alcohol was responsible for hangovers.

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