A controversial new report has revealed that alcohol is responsible for hangovers.
The paper, by respected Master of Whine, Mae Dupp MW, has comprehensively rejected claims made by some natural wine producers that added sulphur, rather than a product’s ABV, is responsible.
Published yesterday, the high-powered report dismissed the anti-sulphur lobby’s claims as ‘total bollocks’ and concluded that ‘It’s the booze, pure and simple, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a total fuckwit.’
Sulphur = evil
However, low intervention producers were quick to double down and question Ms Dupp’s conclusions.
‘A friend of mine ate half a kilo of sulphur and he was really ill,’ said natural wine producer, Brett Anomyces from Domaine des Fausses de Vin in the Loire. ‘That proves how evil this stuff is.
‘I’m convinced that anything that is not in my wine must be bad for you, since this makes my products look better,’ he went on.
‘Even if they taste like pond water.’
Sun = evil
Some other Old World producers, however, said that the issue was sun, not sulphur.
‘I fell asleep on a sun lounger for ten hours on holiday and I had a shocking headache when I woke up,’ said Kristof Pistov from Poland’s most northerly vineyard.
‘It just goes to show that vines need clouds, low temperatures and ideally a hat if the drinker is to stay headache free.’
The fact that his grapes typically struggled to get ‘even remotely ripe’ made them, he said, ‘healthier than everyone else’s.’
Stress = evil
But New World producers disagreed that sun exposure was the cause of hangovers.
‘That’s nonsense,’ said Roo Shagga from Dingo’s Dongle winery in the Barossa. ‘Dehydration is the problem, not sun.
‘If the vines get dried out you’re going to bake stress into the liquid. And stress gives you a headache. It’s obvious.’
Shagga told Fake Booze that ‘prodigious irrigation’ in his 2000 acre vineyard meant that it was possible to drink several litres of his Special Reserve Merlot without any negative side effects apart from self-loathing and a driving ban.
However, author of the report, Mae Dupp MW dismissed all the counter-claims.
‘The only thing guaranteed to give you a headache and feelings of nausea in wine is the alcohol,’ she told Fake Booze.
‘Well, that and prolonged exposure to Wine Twitter.’
Read here about the health crisis caused by Champagne super-drug, Cristale Meth.