The Governmart chain of shops is to introduce what it calls ‘Australian style’ retailing across all its drinks aisles in the New Year.
‘We’ve been trialling the concept in our newsletters and websites for a while and everyone loves it!’ said Governmart’s CEO Eton Twatt. ‘Of course, they’ve no idea what it actually means. But they think it sounds fun, non-immigranty and sun-drenched so that ticks the right boxes for most of them.’
According to Governmart, operating an ‘Australian-style’ policy will provide ‘unparallelled choice’ for its customers who will soon be able to buy large amounts of Chinese rice spirit, Indonesian cashew nut fenny and unregulated Kazakh vodka at ‘scarcely believable’ prices.
Controversially, the store is also offering a free koala with every case of Jacob’s Creek.
‘This very much proves that whatever the doomsters might say, Governmart is very much open for business,’ said Twatt.
‘And that business is tearing up things that were working perfectly well then distracting people with an irresponsible giveway.’
Cabbage not crianza
Consumer group, WTAF, however, has been critical of the move, saying that the Australia-style strategy will lead to higher costs, disrupted supply and reduced choice.
‘That favourite Rioja? It will either be out of stock, twice as expensive, or replaced by a cabbage-based firewater made round the back of a tractor factory in Minsk,’ said WTAF’s Helen Highwater.
But speaking to shoppers at a local branch of Governmart, Fake Booze found broad support for the Australia-style policy.
‘I love Kylie,’ said Joanna Public. ‘And if this is good enough for her, then it’s good enough for me.
‘Plus I’d like a koala to keep our cat company.’
Twatt admitted that the logistics of the ‘koala with a case of Creek’ promo might be hard to implement in practice. Not least because the company has made no preparations to organise, order or ship any yet.
‘But making rash promises and then having to deliver on them is what makes working at Governmart so exciting,’ he said. ‘There’s nothing quite beats the thrill of playing fast and loose with people’s livelihoods.’
‘We know that they only called it “Australia-style” Retailing because their initial idea of “Project Clusterfuck” didn’t go down well with focus groups,’ said WTAF’s Highwater. ‘But in fact it’s probably about right.
‘Because once it’s introduced, choice, jobs and profits at Governmart will all be heading a long way south.’