A sudden wave of palate deaths in the US has been linked to the appearance of the new Barefoot Oreo Thins Red Blend wine, say medical advisors.
Farewell cruel world…
For the last 24 hours, all across the States clinics have been taking calls from distressed members of the public claiming that their taste buds have simply disappeared, leaving them unable to taste a thing.
On closer examination, all of the afflicted had been exposed to the new Barefoot Oreo Thins cookie-flavoured wine in the previous six hours.
Medical professionals now believe that their palates simply lost the will to live and committed suicide in desperation.
Worse than Fruitscato
‘We thought the Barf-it Peach Fruitscato was bad enough,’ said wine critic James Sockthing. ‘But this is a real low, even for them. It puts the words ‘ass’ and ‘sick’ into classic.’
The wine was so bad, he said, that he’d ‘only given it 92 points’.
In its defence, Barefoot said that the wine was ‘clearly labelled as being inspired by the flavour of Oreos, and designed to be drunk as part of a gift pack… with yet more Oreos.’
‘The fact that it’s basically liquid, red, alcoholic cookies in a bottle should be enough to deter anyone with a brain,’ said a Barf-it spokesman, ‘though we’d argue that it’s still no worse than most of the other stuff that we do.’
Our daily hybrid
However surgeon general Steth O’Scope said the product was ‘potentially fatal to anyone with a scintilla of self-respect’ and should be withdrawn from sale, along with Crinkle Fry vodka, Grey Poupon’s mustard-seed Viognier and Taco Bell’s Jalapeno Noir.
‘There are so many truly terrible hybrid products out there at the moment that opening a bottle has become incredibly dangerous,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘They bring a whole new meaning to the term ‘food wine’.’
Professor O’Scope advised the public to leave any sampling to trained unprofessionals, such as bloggers and influencers, who will taste anything for money and a bit of attention, even if it kills them live on camera.
‘Remember,’ he said, ‘if a product looks too bad to be true, it probably is.’
‘Barf-it wrecked my life…’
Barf-it could now be facing millions of dollars of legal action, from victims who claim that the loss of tastebuds could adversely impact both their life and their career.
But a spokesman for the winery said this didn’t have to be the case.
‘Obviously it’s a shock to suddenly have no taste,’ they told Fake Booze.
‘But on the plus side they can always come and work for us.’
Click here to discover why most of wine Twitter would be happy to drink Yellowtail – if the alternative was death.