Global whisky superpower BeastHunTory has unveiled what it says is the very first ‘global single malt blend’ whisky: Ao No.
The ‘uniquely innovative, aspirational and artisanal’ whisky combines distinctively characterful whiskies from the company’s distilleries in Scotland, the US, Ireland, Canada and Japan.
Then mixes them all up so that you can’t taste them anymore.
Global brand supremo Cosmo Politan, who created the brand, told Fake Booze that the new whisky was a ‘disruptor brand’ that would ‘redefine luxury’ and was ‘millennially agile’, though on closer questioning was unable to explain what any of those terms actually meant.
‘Consumers today want to know where their whisky comes from,’ Politan added. ‘And, in our case, that means lots of places. Provenance is key, and we’ve got five times as much of it as anyone else!’
Some whisky traditionalists have suggested that the product’s name stems from the fact that it is made from Any Old whisky and Nobody in their right mind would want to drink it.
In fact, ‘Ao No’ is a Japanese expression that can mean either ‘desperate marketing’ or ‘hotch-potch’ depending on intonation.
The drink is currently exclusive to Duty Free because, frankly, business travellers don’t care as long as it has a nice bottle.
Note: Ao No should not be confused with Ao Yun, LVMH’s comedy $400 Himalayan Cabernet, or Ao Shit, the noise you make when you taste it.