Boris Johnson to launch ‘world-beating’ drinks range

Total Johnson
Illo: Rob Johnson (no relation)

The world’s most famous unkempt duvet stuffed with cheese, Boris Johnson, has told Fake Booze that he is leaving politics to launch a ‘world-beating’ series of drinks that will ‘capture his legacy in liquid form’.

After much consideration, the range is to be called ‘Total Johnson’ which marketing gurus have said will ‘go down as well as Carrie did in the Foreign Office’.

Getting whisky done

The three drinks in the range – two wines and a spirit – are aimed at everyone from ‘tank-topped bum-boys to picaninnies with water-melon smiles’.

The whisky, Brexit Dividend, is from Northern Ireland, and has split opinion almost evenly down the middle.

‘It has a very strange character,’ said one whisky journalist, ‘it tastes both European and classically British at the same time. But if we had to pick a style for it, we’d say it belongs somewhere in the middle of the Irish sea.’

Made by the ‘multiple broken promise’ method of distilling equal parts tub-thumping nationalism and utterly irreconcilable points of international law, it is described by experts as ‘better in theory than practice’, ‘perfect for those who like self-harm’ and ‘unpalatable to pretty much everyone once the reality of what it’s actually like sinks in.’

Red-wall wine

The red-wall wine, Bojo’s Mojo, comes from Domaine Sauvez Grand-Chien in Beaujolais and is being billed as ‘ideal for parties that don’t exist’ and for ‘drinking with friends or work colleagues who aren’t there.’

According to the winemaker, the red spends ‘a significant amount of time sur lies – though not as much time as Boris himself, who couldn’t tell the truth if the lives of his unspecified number of children depended on it.’

The back label comes with a warning, saying that excess consumption could lead to swing damage – specifically damage to your political career as disgusted voters swing away from your party and towards the opposition in large numbers.

Keep in the dark

The final product is a Final Straw wine from Chateau Pincher in the Jura and is described as ‘perfect for every occasion’.

Made in a dry ‘Sec Speste’ style, a press release described the wine as ‘cheap, expensive, accessible, elegant, gluggable and ageworthy. Just as good for partying hard as it is for rehydrating down the gym.’  

‘Basically, whatever you want it to be, that’s what it is,’ said the latest stuffed shirt paid to lie in public.  ‘Even if the impossibility of its mutually contradictory positioning means it ends up pissing off absolutely everybody as a result.’

The Final Straw is best kept out of sight of the public, ideally in whatever’s left of your cabinet.

Saloon range

‘I kept using the same descriptors time and time again,’ said journalist Boo Zhack. ‘’Flabby’, ‘lacking in backbone’ and ‘grubby’… and my notes for the drinks weren’t much better.’

Lifestyle influencers have said the Total Johnson range are ‘perfect for when you’re drinking in the last chance saloon. Or, indeed, after you’ve just left it.’

Click here to read about the Riedel ‘World Leader’ range of stemware.

No posts to display