The drinks world has come together to present a united boycott of anything that might be produced or owned by the Russians.
Putin the boot in
‘What Putin is doing is absolutely disgusting,’ said Everyone. ‘And we as an industry must take a stand against this bloodthirsty tyrant and his vicious cronies.’
‘There was nothing in this cod-eyed sociopath’s behaviour that suggested he was capable of something like this,’ said Russ-Ian Boycott who is co-ordinating the industry’s response.
‘He and his oligarch buddies always seemed such nice people when they paid top dollar for our prestige cuvee champagnes, XO Cognacs and limited release single malts.’
Cru-kraine
Wine producers said they would be recommending that the public show their support for Ukraine by steering clear of all spirits, since these ‘have a higher likelihood of having been made in Russia and therefore bankrolling the murderous delusions of a blood-soaked tyrant.’
Cognac and whisky producers said they were ‘fully on board’ with the idea, but with one slight modification.
‘If people want to stand against Russia the most effective way is definitely to avoid drinking vodka,’ said Mac Allan of The Macallan.
‘Not least because most of it’s crap.’
ABV A-OK?
However, a spokesman for Pernod Ricard said the ABV – anything but vodka – solution was too blunt a strategy and could be improved with a more nuanced approach.
‘Clearly there are good vodkas and bad vodkas,’ they told Fake Booze. ‘After all, some come from places that are beacons of freedom and don’t even sound Russian, such as Absolut. Whereas others don’t.’
The spokesman said he ‘didn’t want to name names’ but was ‘referring to Smirnoff.’
Boarder force
When contacted by Fake Booze about the Russian links to its powerhouse vodka, Diageo CEO Ivan Terrible said that the brand was British owned and hadn’t had anything to do with Russia for about 100 years.
By way of retaliation for what he called a ‘disgraceful insult’ he said the company was planning to mass several hundred thousand of its employees on the border of Pernod Ricard’s Paris office.
‘But they don’t need to worry,’ said Terrible. ‘It’s purely a show of strength for our shareholders. We have no plans for a takeover.’
Fully united
‘It’s so important at this difficult time that the drinks industry has a consistent, co-ordinated response,’ said Russ-Ian Boycott.
‘Only that way can we unite against the common enemy.
‘Each other.’
Click here to read about the EU’s ruling that the Moscow Mule can now only be made in Reims
