Brewdog, the world’s largest craft brewer, has vowed to remove all forms of attention seeking gimmickry from its business over the next five years.
The bold decision is tied into the company’s announcement last year that it would become ‘carbon negative’. Fake Booze understands the brewer cannot honour this commitment without a wholesale rethink in its attitude to relentless self-promotion.
Save the polar bear
According to environmental analyst Dai Oxide at the Centre for Carbon Counting, the company emitted 67,000 tonnes of CO2 in 2019, around half of which was caused by harmful PR emissions.
‘We estimate that every high-octane PR stunt led directly to the death of at least one innocent polar bear. Probably,’ said Oxide.
Save the peat
‘We just couldn’t ignore the figures from the twig-nibblers,’ agreed Brewdog spokesman, Elvis Juice. ‘Even planting a million trees and restoring vast swathes of peatland wasn’t going to be enough while we continued to pump out vast quantities of hot air into the world’s media on a regular basis.
‘So from now on, gratuitous grandstanding, pointless controversy and juvenile self-aggrandisement are out. It’s proper stories about the environment and fair pay – or nothing.’
Save the glacier
In the past Brewdog has created a parody porn site, sold £500 bottles inside taxidermied roadkill, driven a tank through central London and, most recently, suggested that Prestwick airport be renamed Joe Biden Airport to annoy Donald Trump.
According to Dai Oxide the brewer’s stunts over the last ten years alone have generated enough incandescent fury to melt a glacier the size of Switzerland.
‘We’re serious about dialling back our PR footprint and becoming the world’s first Bullshit Neutral drinks company,’ said Juice. ‘And you can print that.’