In a line extension described as ‘the most surprising since Pommery launched Pop’ Cameron Diaz has added a new ‘dirty wine’ label to her range.
The one-time actress has described Chavaline as ‘an antidote to clean wine, healthy body new-age wokery’ and ‘perfect for getting off your tits on during a boring Oscars evening.’
Ms Diaz’s volte face is being attributed to her tripping over a vagina-scented candle following a chakra-balancing session.
Something about Merlot
‘The clean wine concept is great for non-working mums and Hollywood layabouts who can spend 24 hours a day obsessing about how much flax seed to add to their kale smoothie,’ she told Fake Booze.
‘But I’ve realised that if I want to grow my wine empire I need to reach a wider demographic.
‘Specifically, the 99% of people who just want to drink themselves insensible and care way more about the abv than whether the bugs in the vineyard are having a nice time.’
Maximum intervention
According to Diaz, her new Chavaline wines have been chosen with just two aims in mind: ‘To be as high in alcohol and sugar as possible, and to make me some serious coin.’
The range includes a ‘blisteringly alcoholic’ Zinfandel, ‘filthy’ Pinotage and ‘deeply unpleasant’ Spanish white whose parentage is yet to be established.
The wines are being made by the giant Gallows wine corporation, which says it’s ‘thrown the kitchen sink at it’ in the winery.
‘Cameron was adamant that these wines be as fucked about with as possible,’ said winemaker Hans Onn. ‘So there’s barely a cheat, trick or additive that we haven’t employed in their production.’
The fruit, he said, came from vineyards that were ‘blitzed with chemicals from noon til night’ to ensure they were as soulless as most of her films.
Low scores
Early reaction to the range has been mixed, with professional tasters at the launch describing them as ‘vile’, ‘unbalanced’, and ‘perfect for supermarkets.’
Critic James Suckling slammed the wines with a damning score of just 96 points.
However, reaction from consumers was more positive.
‘Luvin the burbery on the lable of this Pinotage,’ tweeted ProsexxyLady69, ‘and at 15% booze Ill be hammerred in no time.’
Others said the Spanish ‘Unknown Genes’ white was excellent mixed with Sprite or, indeed, anything that masked the flavour.
#feelingkindachavaline
Consumers are being encouraged to post photos of themselves passed out in a corner with an empty bottle and the hashtag #feelingkindachavaline.
‘The great thing about the Chavaline concept is that it’s so simple,’ said drinks analyst, Anna Lyst. ‘Just knock it back and hope the world is different when you wake up. You don’t have to pretend to appreciate its flavours.
‘In fact, it’s probably best if you don’t even try.
‘So in that, at least, it’s a lot like the Avaline range.’
Click here to read about Will Smith’s new ‘kick-ass’ celebrity drinks range
