Celebrity drinks numbers are falling and could soon reach the point of no return, according to people who care about these kinds of things.
Sikho Phant of the organisation Fans of Celebrity Drinks (FOCD) has been tracking the number of product launches by people who sing, dance and say other people’s words for a living for ten years. And she says that a worrying trend is emerging.
‘There’s no question that numbers are down on a year ago, and falling fast,’ she told Fake Booze. ‘If things carry on like this then celebrity drinks could soon be a thing of the past.’
Gone for ever
With their gaudy plumage, comical ignorance of their own products and distinctive cry of ‘look at me’ celebrities have been a distinctive part of the drinks’ world for many years,
And the thought of losing these colourful creatures is filling many with dismay.
‘We just put out a post telling people that Gary Barlow, Kylie or Angelina is appearing in our store and our customers turn up in their droves,’ said Shark Mormon of Marginslasher supermarket. ‘Even if it’s not the actual person, just their bottles.’
Mormon told Fake Booze that he was fortunate that most of his customers are ‘stupid enough to swallow anything’, though admitted that most of them ‘draw the line at the wines themselves.’
According to FOCD, celebrities used to give birth to drinks brands at a rate of one every couple of days. But now months can go by without a new arrival.
‘Celebrities are temperamental creatures that need perfect conditions in which to nurture their offspring,’ said celebrity naturalist Holly Wood.
‘They need huge amounts of ego stroking from their business partners, an uncritically receptive media that doesn’t really care about the launch but will go along because it wants to take selfies with them, and a public stupid enough to buy anything with their name on it because they think it will bring A-list glamour into their miserable life.
‘But most importantly they need to have no actual real work coming in to distract them.’
This assessment was confirmed when Fake Booze talked to a spokesman for Cara Delevingne. They admitted that, after successfully birthing her PoshBird Prosecco label during lockdown, the star would be dialling back her involvement with booze in future, and plans for other easily-sellable and credibility-free launches have been put on ice.
‘Obviously, Cara is massively committed to wine – which she loves – and to her prosecco, which she loves as well,’ said the source.
‘But unfortunately she loves both of them quite a lot less than her career.
‘Whatever that actually is.’
Drinks writers, however, have welcomed the news of impending celebrity extinction, saying that it leaves the world of drinks free for committed professionals such as themselves.
‘These people are just dilettantes,’ uber journo Francis Jobbinson told Fake Booze. ‘They should stop dabbling in things they don’t understand and stick to their day job.
‘But while we’re talking, could I just take five minutes to tell you all about out my range of branded glassware.’