Champagne planning human sacrifice to ‘patch things up’ with God

sacrifice
The Cote des Blancs last week. Pic: Philip de Vere, Wiki Commons

The Champagne region has made the bold decision to sacrifice one of its most famous family members in order to mend their ‘broken relationship’ with God.

The decision was taken at an extraordinary meeting of TITWATCH – The Institution of Tweed Wearers and Tradespeople of Champagne Houses in Reims yesterday.

All but one Champagne house voted in favour of the move, with Taittinger the lone dissenting voice.

‘For one of us to be chosen to have their still beating heart offered to the heavens is a bigger con than Russian champagne,’ said a spokesperson. ‘Worse, it’s not in keeping with our brand image.’

Heart a-Taitt

TITWATCH’s Don Perignon said he understood Taittinger’s reaction to being a champagne sacrifice, but said they should feel proud to have been chosen.

Many other heads of grandes marques, he told Fake Booze, would gladly have taken the marque’s place on the sacrificial slab but were sadly ineligible.

‘It has been abundantly clear over the centuries that many of our members do not have a heart,’ he said. ‘Beating or otherwise.’  

Vengeful God

The dramatic decision comes on the back of four months of destructive weather, with frosts, hail, tornadoes and finally, last week, floods, which left already decimated vineyards submerged under water.

‘We have always had a close relationship with God in the past,’ said Perignon. ‘But now He seems to be angry with us.

‘It’s a shame, because in the past we always got on very well.

‘I think He looked up to us.’

Nice ass

Sources at the region’s generic body, the Bureau de Bulles-Merde de Champagne (BBC) have blamed the falling out on God ‘having his head turned’ by pet-nat.

But champagne commentator Otto Lysis believes the Creator simply got tired of the region’s ‘constant attempts to convince everyone that rosé fizz is better with lamb than a glass of Pinot.’

‘Sparkling wine and food is a big no-no in the Bible,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘Right up there with coveting thy neighbour’s ass or pretending zero dosage champagne is halfway drinkable.’

Vive la Reims

If the human sacrifice does not succeed in restoring the Champenois to their rightful place as God’s emissaries on earth, climatologists in Reims have warned that plagues of frogs, locusts and Asti spumante are very real possibilities over the summer.

‘They are as big a threat to the future of champagne as climate change,’ said scientist Molly Cule.

‘Though admittedly all of them are less dangerous than prosecco.’

Get ahead

English sparkling wine producers described the weather in northern France as ‘a bit of drizzle’ and ‘nothing out of the ordinary’ and suggested they should ‘man up’ and ‘put on a hat’.