A ground-breaking new report has revealed that the amount of money you spend on a bottle of booze is the biggest factor impacting your health.
The study, commissioned by the Producers of Expensive Alcohol (PEA), looked at drink consumption and overall health of 15,000 households over a period of ten years. Apparently.
The report shows ‘conclusively’ that people who drank Grand Cru Burgundy, lived in affluent areas and had well-paid jobs were likely to live significantly longer than homeless people drinking super-strength lager or turpentine in a shop doorway.
The World Hysteria Organisation, which has campaigned for alcohol to be made a war crime, described the report’s findings as ‘half-baked, inconclusive and laughably self-fulfilling’.
More but better
But PEA dismissed accusations that it had been ‘cobbled together on the back of half a dozen phone calls, a bit of Google research and a Powerpoint presentation’ as ‘almost completely unfounded’.
‘We’ve always maintained that the public should drink less but better,’ said Emilie Enparis, president of PEA, and owner of Domaine Croque de Merde. ‘But in fact, we were underselling ourselves. On this evidence they could actually drink more but better and still live to a ripe old age.
‘The facts prove it.
‘At least, they do if you ignore the wider contextual analysis.’
Good alcohol v Bad alcohol
Dr May Dupp, who received large amounts of cash from PEA to carry out the research described her findings as a game-changer.
‘For years the debate around alcohol has been far too simplistic,’ she told Fake Booze from her recently purchased holiday home in the Caribbean.
‘But this report proves that it’s really not about how much people drink – it’s about understanding the difference between good alcohol and bad alcohol.’
The public, she said could put away ‘more or less unlimited amounts’ of first growth Bordeaux with no negative effects at all, whereas one shot of own-label vodka ‘could take years off your life.’
MP Isla Malt said that the research proved that the responsibility for alcohol-related health issues lay squarely with the public, not the drinks industry.
‘The unwillingness of ordinary people to spend a disproportionate amount of their earnings on expensive booze has created a major health crisis,’ she told Fake Booze.
‘Really, these workshy bastards should be ashamed of themselves, drinking Smirnoff Red and getting liver cirrhosis when they could be sipping Louis XIII and living to the age of 86.
‘If they weren’t so bloody tight we’d all be better off.’
Drink Better, Live Longer
The government is already working with the Chief Medical Officer to create a new recommended weekly consumption figure, based not on units of alcohol, but a minimum price per bottle.
New healthy drinking slogans being considered include Bankrupt Yourself Fit, Drink Better Live Longer, and Good Booze not Bad Booze.
‘Let’s face it, spending big money on alcohol is clearly the key to health,’ said Ms Malt. ‘The public need to cut back on non-essentials such as cars, food and nice clothes and spend all their money on Burgundy and cask strength single malt to take pressure off the health service.
‘Just like the drinks industry does.’
Click here to read about how alcohol will both kill you and help you live longer