CMS to remove sexual harassment module from qualification

CMS harassment
people image: Maurizio Fusillo, noun project

The US arm of the Cabal of Misogynists and Sexpests (CMS) has told Fake Booze that it is to remove the ‘sexual harassment’ module from its exams.

The harassment paper has been a well-established element of the MS qualification in the States for many years.

But the Cabal has come under increasing pressure to drop it, following a string of completely unfounded accusations made up by trouble-causing snowflake millennials that accidentally turned out to be true.


‘Times move on,’ said CMS president, Boob Stroker. ‘And a growing number of our members felt that touching people up, making lewd comments and pressurising them into sex to advance their careers just weren’t an essential part of a deeper understanding of wine anymore for some reason.’

The new move would, he said, ‘take us firmly forward into the 20th century’ and though members who passed under the old regulations will be allowed to retain the MS qualification they will have to ‘keep their hands where we can see them’.

‘From now on,’ he told Fake Booze, ‘our members will only lay tables, not each other.’

Replacement paper

The Caball has said that, as of 2022, the ‘groping, fondling, stroking, nibbling, threats, blackmail, intimidation and favours for progress’ elements of the qualification would be removed.

The body is replacing them with a deep-dive paper on prosecco that, it says is ‘still pretty unpalatable, but less likely to end up in a court case.’

The CMS said that ‘mild flirting and accidental frotting’ would be retained in lower level qualifications ‘until whingeing woke libtards start complaining about those perfectly innocent activities too, God help us’.

’tain’t taint

Stroker denied, however, that the accusations made by young female members were proof of a deep-rooted malaise within the organisation.

‘It’s ‘just one bad apple or six infecting the whole barrel,’ he told Fake Booze. ‘The rest of the barrel is probably fine and not infected at all.

‘And even if it was a bit infected with inappropriate sexiness, it could be like brett, where a bit of low-level taint can actually make things better for everyone.

‘Though since the barrel isn’t infected at all this is all largely academic.

‘Unless, of course, it is.’

Here to help

The CMS has said that it is to employ a full-time counsellor to help any previous victims of abuse deal with their harassment trauma.

‘We have a big office for them with the word ‘Therapist’ on the door,’ explained Stroker.

‘And this time we promise that isn’t split into two words.’

Click here to read about how the CMS faced accusations of ‘totally appropriate’ behaviour

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