Anti-vaxxers have admitted that they would ‘be happy to take the Covid vaccine’ if it was delivered in the form of a bottle of craft gin.
Right to bear arms
‘Obviously I’m inherently suspicious of any government depriving me of my right to be a fucking idiot,’ said libertarian jab-sceptic Al Tright.
‘But I bet that the body-tracking bugs created by Bill Gates and his team of woke pinko space lizards can’t survive at 45% abv.
‘Plus I’ve run out of Tanqueray.’
Right to bare arms
News of acceptance of the ‘jab and tonic’ has galvanised pharmaceutical firms into action, with Pfizer and AstraZeneca both rushing to master the basics of distillation.
There are suspicions, too, that Russian ‘Sputnik’ scientists could be behind the sudden disappearance of long-time Beefeater master distiller, Desmond Payne, who was bundled into a black Mercedes after ‘popping out for some coriander seeds’.
‘I can think of plenty of people in the drinks world who ought to be carried off by men in white coats,’ said a Beefeater spokesperson. ‘But Des isn’t one of them.’
Right to bear alms
Payne’s disappearance has put a spanner in the works of Pernod Ricard’s attempts to create a Covid vaccine gin. But Whitley Neill says that its own ‘gin-unisation programme’ is already well advanced.
‘We have a standard Whitley Neill vaccine, export strength and 15 vile flavoured variants lined up and ready to go,’ said brand manager Foula Krapp.
‘Whichever way you want to ingest something a bit weird, we’ve got your back.
‘Just like always.’
Right to air balms
The jabs will be available in special walk-in/fall-over centres all over the country, known as ‘bars’. Doses will be administered by specially trained teams of heavily hungover mixologists.
Scientists say that though there will be some benefits to a single dose, they recommend that the public get ‘double shotted’ because ‘otherwise you can’t really taste it – it’s just tonic and lime.’
There are, they said, some side-effects, principally dizziness, nausea and, in the case of fruit-flavoured vaccines, mild self-loathing.
Right to arm bears
Professor Gordon Zand-Tonic, Lecturer in Botanicals at London Dry University, said that delivering Covid shots in gin form would be a ‘real shot in the arm’ for the category.
‘It could bring gin into the drinking repertoire of a whole new customer base,’ he told Fake Booze.
‘Particularly if they extend it to under-12s.’
Click here to learn about the discovery of a vaccine that is ‘90% effective against prosecco’